As I drove home from Tractor Supply today tears were running down my face as I contemplated writing through my emotions. Good ole Tractor Supply- I recall I blogged about bawling my eyes out in their parking lot back in November. Sometimes taking yourself back to a place or time that was hard is hard… but it might be just what you need to move forward.
Just a little bit after midnight one year ago today I touched my husband’s lips and squeezed his hand with him conscious for the very last time. I can still see the fear in his eyes that I had to leave him. The anxiety that he dealt with on the daily became most prominent right at that moment, more than I had ever seen in 23+ years together. If I learned anything over the years it was how to calm him down from his anxiety but my biggest fear of not being able to be there to get him through it became reality. My heart ached as we were told once I left that room I could not come back until it was time to pick him up. (When it was time I was only able to pick up his things.)
He fought back tears since he already was having trouble breathing I smiled the best smile I could so he wouldn’t get choked up and have an even harder time breathing so I told him they would fix him up and send him home soon and I would be his advocate every step of the way, by his side or not. It took every bit of energy I had stored up in me after being sick myself and taking care of how ill he had been for over a week, 102-103 degree fever for 8 days straight, he could barely get out of bed, 3 ER trips, constantly checking his temperature and oxygen levels as his anxiety and fears increased, fighting my own migraine that I had for 2 days but needed to push through to take care of him. I held his hand and prayed with him that God was in charge and he needed to work on staying calm and positive so he could come home to us soon. I’ve always been a very positive person filled with hope but as I reassured him that everything would be OK, I didn’t know that for certain myself.
From that morning forward after I picked Paxton up from his friend’s house on the way home we began a rollercoaster ride that would be our life for almost the next month until I witnessed his last breath. As Paxton crawled in bed with me that night (he never slept with us- only when his dad was away) I knew that we would have to be each other’s support going forward no matter what happened. I never promised him his dad would come home and deep down I think I knew I couldn’t… because over the course of my roller coaster month I confided in a couple people that I didn’t feel that he would come home. I didn’t share this with many people, I didn’t want anyone else to lose hope or stop fighting for him to come home, in case I was wrong. I wanted to believe he would, I wanted to be positive and hopeful… there were so many people wanting him to get better, positive he would get better, encouraging me that everything would be ok, he would come home, he would be a miracle. I so desperately wanted him to be. I deserved a happy ending right. I remember him telling me that life would be different if he could come home, he would be more grateful, more loving, more supportive of Paxton and I... he was a great guy and I although he wasn't perfect and neither was I we were perfect for each other at the time we spent together and we created an amazing kid through it that I see is my responsibility to help him discover who he is with what his dad taught him, the talents God gave him and the experiences he will have to shape him into who he will become.
As an almost 12 year old boy who I couldn’t imagine his heart breaking from his soon to be reality, I remember suddenly being taken back to my reality at 14 with a dad who was sick for 2 short months and would never get to partake in watching me grow up, I didn't want that for my child, but I feared it and knew if was my reality before it became reality. I wanted to make everyone’s positivity my reality at that moment to protect him. I wanted their positiveness to somehow rush in and save the day and turn my reality around. Through the hundreds of people praying for him and us and my positive swing on my posts I drew my strength to get up in the mornings and go about our lives the best I could for Paxton’s sake. As I recollect all the ups and downs of his entire school baseball season, the beginning of his club fall season, back to school events I had to organize for the school, work, his private lessons, trips back and forth to the hospital to give Steve things while he was still awake, countless updates with the different personalities of all the doctors and nurses, notebooks of notes to research and google, lists of medicines and side effects, firing one pretentious nurse, sifting through options for treatment, trying to find alternatives to what they were doing to help him, and split second decisions at times especially after he was unconscious, and all the people who wanted to give support, lend a helping hand and be updated on his status. I found comfort in their prayers and positiveness.
One minute he was getting better and 6 hours later he was twice as worse. This repeated it self several times a day for weeks. As much as I would like to push these feelings out of my mind forever, they are part of my journey and pushing them out doesn’t change the fact that they happened. There are things that can take you back a vision or a smell, sometimes they can be good memories like closing my eyes and taking myself back to my wedding day happiness, the love in my heart the love in his eyes as Steve took my hand and said I do… I can still close my eyes and see this day when I smell lilies. These memories can be bad ones 29 years ago when my father died and I can still close my eyes and see him take his last breath and his head turn and the bile excrete from his mouth as if it was currently happening. Not a great memory but one that definitely creeps in my mind every now and then, although I haven’t quite linked what triggers it as I do the lily smell.
As I started writing I am not quite sure how I was going to tie all these emotions together. Although I don’t know what our next year holds I do know that moving forward while holding on to little bits of the past has a sense of hope and purpose I can't quite explain. I know my common theme in a lot of my blogs has to do with moving forward. This is all I am able to do. The plans that I had were shattered and altering and adapting to my circumstances that I have had to do can sometimes be overwhelming, but they are mine alone to sift through. I cannot live in the past but I will never forget or get over it either. Grief isn't something you get over, you live along side it forever.
Do I think Paxton and I are capable of happiness without Steve? I do, but life will never be the same again, the happiness is a different kind and acceptance of the future that we have yet to create is inevitable so here is to our journey and wherever that takes us may our memories and experiences shape the future we hold in beautiful ways.
I remember hearing the story when this artist lost his wife, a month or so before he was on American Idol years ago. This song was beautiful when I first heard it and the words resonate with me even more now.
That I thought would never end
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind
I've seen the dark and the broken places, woah
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me, yeah
You finally find
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind
There's a big sun shining
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright
I can feel it rising through the night
And my world's still turning
I can feel your love here by my side
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me, yeah
We love you so much and are on this with you and Paxton ❤️
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