I was reluctant to post this at first. Worried about what people might think or get the wrong impression of my why... but then I decided as transparent as I have been thus far, I cannot go back now. There are lots of personal or intimate thoughts that I think on a daily basis that I could never share with anyone here but this one may help someone who may be feeling the same way not feel so wrong.
Here is where I emphasize again that no two people no matter how similar their situation will have the same journey and that is why sharing mine may help someone feel the heaviness of theirs may become just a tad bit lighter.
I love my house, my land, my space, all of the things that Steve helped create as a peaceful oasis for Paxton and I. I love that his friends finished my orchard space where I can go and relax, have a glass of wine, read a book and sit by the fire, or gather for an outdoor meal with family and friends. This all makes me so happy. I love that he is still "here" and that he accomplished so much that we can enjoy for years to come.
I have always been easy to please and never super opinionated about the décor that Steve liked, At the beginning when we first moved in together he was working a lot at big expensive homes in Scottsdale and Paradise Valley and his tastes were super modern and expensive. I grew up with lots of antiques and mismatched things in my family home and never really had a want for anything that I could remember. I welcomed the change when his creativity and design instinct took over our first home. We had A LOT of glass things and modern looking furniture and surprisingly even after Paxton came we taught him to be respectful and nothing was ever broken or damaged.
As we moved into our second home and then my mom passed away there were a few pieces of antique furniture of hers that didn't fit at our cabin or I didn't want to part with that I introduced into our home, his tastes changed a little living on a "ranch" and we welcomed more woods and a little cowboy décor. A tad more ranch/farmhouse style that I preferred, but still many of our original pieces remain.
I purchased some wood like tile recently that I will replace all the flooring in our home that neither one of us liked much anyway. Something that will make it more uniform and definitely more farmhouse/ranch style. As most of you may have read in an earlier blog I cleaned out my entire closet, except his gun safe and few pelts and some slippers that I like to wear, to make it my own. Last week I decided that having a space of my own that didn't reflect something of his choosing was something that I needed just for me on this journey. I went from ordering a new bed, to freshening up my paint, to deciding to redo all new paint and colors and furniture and pictures and the whole shebang. I will leave the TV on the wall but everything else is going to reflect this new me, the me that I am without him, because I didn't just lose him, I lost a huge piece of who I was as well and I need to find and define the new me. I will never be that same person again. The person I become will be a reflection of my old self, my experiences and what steps and decisions I make on my journey forward and I just pray that this person will be accepted by those who matter the most.
Some may view this me as trying to push Steve out, and that is ok, everyone is entitled to their opinions. Absolutely feel free to keep those to yourself. A Facebook contact of mine is experiencing a journey where he recently lost his wife and people are not super understanding of his journey the pace it is taking or all the decisions he is making. I am sure that I will experience this down the road as I make more and more decisions on my own for the happiness and healing of myself and Paxton. I have just surrendered that I am going to let the Holy Spirit guide me in the right direction and I will not let anyone's opinion, lack of respect or loss of friendship break me.
Some people may want to get rid of everything they shared with the person they lost, some people may want to move out of their home that may make them sad, some people may hold onto to everything that person had with them, never get rid of the bed they shared, clothes they wore, or move a single thing from where it was for years, or maybe ever. No matter what you choose it is ok! You do you. What is best for you and what makes you cope, heal or learn to live better along side your grief will be the best thing that you can do for you. No one else can experience this for you except you, so don't allow them to make your decisions or tell you what to do, or make you feel ashamed for what decisions you make, if they do then they really are not you friend.
I don't want to sleep in the same bed Steve and I slept in for the last 19 + years, (don't worry we have had more than one mattress in that amount of time, lol), I just can't anymore. In my head I wondered what people would think if they came and saw that my bedroom was completely different, but ultimately I need to do what makes me happy, what allows me the inner peace that I need to still live, because life doesn't stop for anything. Right now in my life I need something new and exciting, something to look forward to and a place to call just my own and if remodeling a bedroom makes me feel good then this is what I NEED to do to make those feelings happen. I didn't ask for what happened to us! I didn't ask for Steve to get sick and die. I didn't deserve this but it happened. I can only go forward in my healing process the way that is going to work for me.
So no matter what you are going through no one is in your shoes EVER. It is ok to take people's advice it is ok to make mistakes, it is okay to feel lost on your journey because it is yours and no one else's- but if you continue to place your life in God's hands, surrender to His will on the plans He has for your purpose, and look forward to His promises you are going to be OK. I can promise you that.
The canvas I purchased for above my new bed will read... Give it to God and Go to Bed. I love this. Take the time to reflect on what that means to you and the peace and tranquility that you may receive from doing it.
Jeremiah 29:11 knowing that it is not a promise to immediately rescue us from hardship or suffering, but rather a promise that God has a plan for our lives and regardless of our current situation, He can work through it to prosper us and give us a hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment