Starting a Monday coming off a 5 day spree of constant people around and things to do, both for Paxton and I, is always not the best feeling when all of a sudden everyone is gone, it is just us two and life resumes its routine schedule. What I dread is Paxton walking down the hall in the morning, tears streaming down his face as I sit and drink coffee and work on my computer. I am sure all of you have had dreams that are so real when you wake up you feel you can touch the person, they will be right next to you, you are happy, in awe or even mad at the person for something they did in the dream that could never really happen. I can't remember if I blogged about the dream I had a month or so after Steve died where he came home but was living in the loft above our RV garage (we don't have one of those) recovering, and he asked me to call his hairdresser from the hospital because he needed a hair cut and I found out he was cheating on me with her! I felt so betrayed and angry and that reflected when I woke up to realize he really isn't here. Part of me would have been okay with it if it was real just to see his face or hold his hand one more time.
Paxton was angry that he dreamed about him just to wake up and it not be real. I tried to spin in into something positive that his dad was visiting him and that was a good thing. He really wasn't having it so I gave up and let him have his sad moment, which kind of turned into a sad day but ended in a decent night. He worked with Hope on some ground work, he skipped boxing, went along with me for an appointment in Mesa and we stopped by to hang out with grandma and grandpa for a little while, go to lunch, went to shoppers for feed, (we may have brought home some baby chicks!, I have a soft spot for animals- I declared I wanted to be a Veterinarian in the 6th grade- when my dad died and I graduated I wanted the fasted way to make money to help my mom and 6 years of school wasn’t really in my cards- so an Ag business degree was my alternative.)
I skipped my Monday for Mom at the dance studio (Michelle couldn't make it either),I could have went by myself, but I figured I am a mom, because of this boy, who needed me. I took him to speed and agility practice and we ate popcorn and watched a comedian on tv before bed, just what we needed, some laughs together. As he grows up these moments will probably be fewer and fewer, but I hope he will still always need his mom, I know I could use mine right about now.
I looked forward to Tuesday, it wasn't a lot easier. Things went decent during the day, I had several appointments that kept me away from home from 8:30-3. I hate early days when I have something by 9 every morning. This doesn't allow me too much time to spend with him on school, but he gets it done. I haven't worked out with him once this week, and had every intention of doing it this morning, but last night events were not conducive to me waking him up extra early.
Paxton had his first real 2.5 hour practice of the baseball season. He has been conditioning during break and hitting/catching a little. But last night was intense. I dropped him off ran to home depot for a timer for my chicken coop light- that danged thing is going to be the death of me! UGH! I really hate fixing things.. I also had to fix the hall toilet. I vowed that as soon as my new flooring goes in, so will 3 new toilets. I am seriously not a plumber!
Anyway. I came back and as much as watching practice is not my thing I know that his dad did it. I want to not have to be his dad, but I also know how important it is to him for me to present as much as possible. So I wasn't gone long. He did great catching the pitchers, blocking, sprinting, fielding and hitting in the cage for the most part. He put effort into it, true effort and I could tell. I was so proud of him. He sounded awful when he got in the car and had tears in his eyes. He asked if I had his inhaler, and I didn't. He has used it once in the last year and a half and I just haven't been keeping it in my purse. Now I know better. He was crying and I asked if he needed me to go to an ER, or could we make it home. Yes, his breathing was bothering him and I don't think even though he was used to riding his bike a lot lately and getting back into boxing that the sprinting and running was easier. He said he would be fine, he was crying because he regretting telling Steve no or giving him a hard time when he wanted to take extra time to work with him at home on drills or go to the local baseball field. Paxton said that he wished he would have said yes more. Now he realizes that. He wished he could still practice with him and learn a thing or two more from him. I know he sees all these dad coaches working with their kids and I can't imagine it is easy.
I told him his feeling were valid, but he is just a kid, and kids don't often realize the importance of putting in the extra time when they are a kid, they have interests they are exploring and friends and also want to have a good time and that is ok. I encourage well rounded. We talked about loosing his dad and I brought up the fact I lost my dad at 14, I said I was only a few years older than you. Once I said it I regretted it (especially since I tell everyone all the time, "I was a girl who lost her dad and still had her mom, I can empathize in some ways, but I have no idea what is going on in his head, he lost his dad, his buddy, his idol, his fishing partner and baseball buddy, his welding teacher, his everything!) I can't imagine. He lashed back at me that I was in high school when my dad died and he was 11! 11! How could I possibly relate! I immediately apologized and told him he was right I have absolutely no idea what he is going through and I didn't mean to compare. He apologized for snapping. I thanked him for always telling me what is bothering him and letting me at least help him cope, or suggest ways to cope. I also let him know that if all he wanted me to do is listen, I could do that as well, but because of my nurturing nature I am always wanting to fix or ease him, so he needed to open up by saying he wants to share something with me but only needs me to listen. We discussed in depth a few other things I don't need to expand on here.
All in all it was good for both of us. The more he opens up the more I can help him learn to live along side his grief. I bring this whole conversation we have up because a lot of times we put grieving people into a box based upon what they have experienced. But honestly everyone has different feelings, things that they find important, different memories, different ways of dealing or adjusting to trauma and all the stuff that comes with it. We can not categorize people, put unrealistic expectation on them or even begin to know what each individual may be thinking or going through. We all experience it differently, loosing my best friend at age 11, is not loosing my dad at that age, loosing my dad at 14 was not the same as loosing my mom when I was 35, or my husband when I was 42- it isn't even the same as my mom loosing my dad when she was 45, no matter how close in age we were at the time of the events. We can not put the needs of the grieving in a clump and treat everyone who grieves the same. Because we all react differently. And that is ok. That is what makes us unique and allows us to do what we need to continue our journeys forward.
It is inevitable that people in our lives will die it is part of the circle of life, yes my favorite Disney movie is the Lion King, lol. It is how we react, how we deal with it, how we live along side grief as it never goes away. What we chose to pull from the situations, traumas, lows and highs in life are unique to us. But we can chose to cherish the beautiful memories, make the most of the rest of our existence by finding our purpose and knowing that person who left us, the one or ones who we grieve have made some impact on our life that will bless us going forward and they would not want us to live in sadness all the time. But it is ok to be sad, angry, frustrated and regret things we did or did not do as long as it isn't our main focus of our existence.
It has been 6+ months since Steve has stepped foot in our house and I have had one extreme opinion to another, from people who are ready to fix me up with someone and those who can't believe I can get out of bed everyday and actually function. I have my opinion on both of these things, but I will keep that to myself for now. There is no right or wrong in my opinion as everyone of us have different needs and God is in control of our plan. I am just me, trying to live life as best as possible, keeping busy which is what I do best, cherishing the good, allowing myself to have grace for my sad moments and being the best mom I know how through this journey, which honestly will never end, it will just get easier, eventually.
What can you do? Check in with me randomly. Sometimes when you are thinking about someone- reach out- the Universe is telling you something. What you can do for Paxton right now they say it takes a village I need those dad like figures who are willing to help him carry on the things he likes to do. He may not always be available but he does love fishing, baseball, golf, roping, rodeoing 4-wheeling or trips on the side-by-side so if you are doing any of that stuff feel free to include him.
I truly believe that God will put the people in our life that we need the most, and hopefully we can be positive influences in their lives as well.
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