It’s all the little things I miss that could just get done because of the little bit more knowledge that Steve had for certain things than I did. It something broke he fixed it, if it needed attention he figured it out, if it needed to be put together he was able to do it. Not always with a smile on his face or a few words of disgust, but he did it. I miss his design creativity, his dedication to his projects to get them done and his insight on all the decisions we made. There are countless hours of research he did when he really wanted to make something work. I don’t have that ambition for these types of things. In a way we were a lot alike. Passion about some thing willing to put the time and energy into making it happen. Some thing that we weren’t interested in procrastination was always a key factor. I think those are traits of most people anyway.
He could re-search for hours how to take care of garden plants or orchard trees. Steers and pigs and how to raise them for meat, how to cook, smoke, grill meat, what spices brought out the most flavor and so on. I have a cabinet full of probably 27 no joke different kinds of car wash and shine and wax for his truck, trying to get just the right thing to make it shine. He had pride in all he did. Did I ever mention it took him about four hours to wash his truck. If you’ve got the slightest fingerprint around the door handle he wasn’t a happy camper. PS, he is probably rolling his eyes at me taking the truck through the carwash.
I’m passionate about writing and passionate about real estate, passionate about my animals. When it comes to fixing or hanging things my patience level seems to drop tremendously.
This past week I was on an ultimate high, we had the grand opening of my new real estate office of which I am the branch manager, over 60 people in attendance. A win in my book. Lots of great welcomes and lots of support and congratulations.
I took a dance class and gained a little confidence in my otherwise not standard of coordinated experience. I went out with friends, I took a gun safety class, and I put my foot forward in a business venture that I know I won’t regret, and maybe I’ll share with you later. I fixed my toilet after only two trips to True Value as the hose leaked and then the fitting didn’t quite work on the float so both had to be replaced. After trying a few tools, channel locks that’s what you need just in case any of you need to know. I hung some pictures in my room I hung a new light in my chicken coop those buggers apparently go on strike if they don’t have enough light during the day to lay eggs. I remember that being a part of one of Steve and I’s conversations but didn’t really realize it the time it first started getting darker earlier and staying darker later. And then once I realized it the light wasn’t working. He just knew and took care of a lot of things. All things that he would just fix. Plumbing wasn’t necessarily his favorite but he carried a lot more knowledge than I do about these types of things. It was definitely lovely, stimulating and enriched my confidence kind of week.
It is not to say that there are not things that I can figure out on my own be shown how to do with the option of doing it myself the next time, asking a friend or being able to pull out a checkbook. Yes, i still wrote checks. However I am to the point in my life just because I can do them doesn’t mean I necessarily want to. I don’t have anybody to prove to that I can do these things on my own and have some status of bad ass next to my name. To be honest I am already a bad ass in a lot of things I do. I don’t have to excel in everything nor do I want to. LOL...
Yesterday I hit my breaking point, my lowest point that I have experienced in a few weeks and it hurts. No necessary triggers, it just comes on when it feels like it and sometimes although I do stress we can control our reactions and attitudes there is a since of overwhelming sadness that can just creep in and isn't as easily shakable. The aching for him, his companionship his touch really just set in. I miss the attention, the passion, the love and the giving of love in return. Our banter, our conversations, discussions, dreams and even those damned arguments. I could definitely go into greater details but those blogs are not posted. No one needs the MA version, no matter how transparent I want to be.
Maybe it is because I haven’t written in over a week, which as I have said is my best therapy, Maybe it is because my cat howled for 4 nights in a row because she is in heat- (and yes I forgot to take her to get fixed the week steve died and just haven’t done it since- judge if you want to, kittens are cute) and my sleep pattern was interrupted, or maybe it was just the time I needed to let out all my frustration, sadness and unfairness about my life. My friend listened as I balled my eyes out, mascara streaming down my face, whining about how unfair my life feels at the moment no matter how many good things I have going for me... and on and on. Lucky you to be on the phone with me at the time. But seriously thank you. I am so grateful to have all the friends in my life who I can spread out my wants, needs and frustrations to and not feel like I am overwhelming or needy all of the time to everyone.
Today I will pick myself up, dust myself off and go forward with a heart of gratitude for the things I have, the people who surround me and the life I have made despite what I have lost. Why? Because I am still here, I still have a purpose and I cannot live consumed in sadness everyday. It just visits then needs to go away.
Thanks for taking this journey with me, even if you never understand, and mostly if you do and somehow it resonates with you that whatever you feel, it really is ok, you are not alone and it is normal to feel the way you do, even if everyone's feelings are not exactly the same.
This is healing, somedays it may be ugly and somedays it may be peachy, but learning to live beside grief is a journey that cannot be shared just experienced.
Isaiah 41:10 - God strengthens you
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. God has promised us His strength. He will never give you a trial you are unable to handle.
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