I Hate Pigs

The last week flew by but was the longest week in a long time! Yes, read that again, it doesn't quite make sense but I am sure you have all had one. I cannot believe how much stuff I shoved into a week, how many things that didn't quite work out as planned in my head, and a few lessons I learned. 

Sometimes you just need to say screw it and go see a movie.

Stop assessing a discussion and just listen, not everyone wants a solution.

He is realizing he can push my buttons and most times I will cave-internal guilt is a thing, he lost his dad and that is not fair, but it wasn't my fault, so I need to stop trying to make up for it. I have to reel that shit back in, This weekend proved I can be loving but firm and he still loves me. 

I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for.

If I am determined to do something, I carry it out until it is complete. 

There is always time to take a break, ride the horse, drink the wine.

I am not the same girl I was 6 months ago, and that is ok.  

I hate Pigs... 

Sometimes you just have to ask for help. 

I'm on a journey and I need to trust the timing of my life. 

My week- 

Valentine's Day truly turned out ok. I didn't cry once. 

Paxton poured out his heart to me for an hour and a half in the parking lot of baseball practice and despite my desire for him to go to at least hit the last hour of practice he was honest that he didn't think he could give his coach 100%  and he didn't think his coach deserved that, so we ended up at a movie instead. 

I got to spend time with a friend who moved in June and was back visiting! It was wonderful to see her and catch up in person. 

Pig wrestling is definitely a thing. I so thought just like the steer we butchered, I could dangle food in front of them and they would just walk right into my trailer. I was so proud of being able to back it up all the way to their pen, in a tight space without hitting anything. That was a high. But after 3.5 hours, 2 friends who came to help, and trying every technique that was shared with me, I was truly angry at 
Steve for buying the things in the first place one week before he got sick, I may have cussed him out and hated him for the rest of that day,  I never intended to raise pigs and I was so freaking mad at him, and you know what that was ok for me to have those feelings.  I gave up, balled my eyes out and asked our butcher friend to come pick them up. I was over it. He got them in the trailer in about 20 minutes and I told Paxton if he ever asked me to get pigs again the answer is NO way in Hell so don't ever ask. They are 300 lbs of aggression and I swear they knew where they were going. Damn pigs! All I have to say is they better f...ing taste good after 7 months of feeding them and struggling with their stubbornness. I am sure I disappointed my in-laws who we were suppose to have dinner with on our way home from Globe after taking the pigs, but I was so mad at their son I just could not that day. My heart and mind can only handle so much at one time. I felt guilty and quickly decided that I shouldn't... I require a lot of grace these days and that is ok. I can only commit to what I can handle without it affecting my mental status. 

As a mom I am doing the best I can with what I have been handed. Dealing with your child grieving and yourself is a far greater task than just being responsible for your own grief. Boys are different than girls. At some point during the week I became MY mother and had flashbacks of how difficult I probably was as a teenage girl who lost her father. I remember yelling at her, even as an adult, we had this dynamic where we could just blow up at each other and be fine 3 minutes later, and hug and make up. I do recall the time I must have completely took it too far and she slapped me across the face, I was probably 15- I don't remember what it was over, but I can picture exactly where we were standing when it happened. ( this technique of venting and forgiving did not work with Steve no matter how hard I wanted it to sometimes! LOL. It was just a bond my mom and I shared. ) 

 Your mom is your safe space and as I watch Paxton in his day to day activities, I am complimented over and over how mature he is for his age, how smart he is, how he is able to carry on an adult conversation with no hesitation. Steve and I have done a good job, and now I am just trying not to ruin it. I remember the way I talked to my mom, lashed out, vented if you will, because I wanted to be perfect for everyone else and she was safe. I am that safe space for Paxton but being a boy who is overprotective of his mom, worried that something will happen to me and leaning into the fact that the more time he spends with me the less likely something will happen when we are apart. Some days he is just too much boy for me and I just want to smack him across the face.  I can imagine what he is going through but it has been a long time since I have dug into those deeply buried feelings of almost 30 years ago. I was not an 11 almost 12 year old boy when my dad died but I do remember the fear of losing my mom. I was able to reach out to a friend who lost his mom when he was 12 and I hope they can share some discussions to help Paxton realize he is not alone. I think this form of therapy (having someone who actually went through a similar situation at the same age, is way more powerful and effective than any actual therapy session I would pay for could be.) 

To be completely honest I had flashbacks this week of the way I fought with my mom, how much responsibility I had as a teenager, and how I don't really remember doing things as a teen that were typical teen things. She worked two jobs, I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, mowed an acre of lawn, disposed of mice in our farm house, worked my first job at 14, baby sat and was in a lot of extra curricular activities. I may have always had that busy-body personality and I probably still do. I stay busy, it keeps my mind looking ahead and not having so much time to think how unfair life can be or have a pity party for myself. Paxton already had a lot of chores and responsibilities around here based on how we live and what we have to take care of. I need him to step up and take over a few of his dad's chores, but I cannot give them all to him and I want him to enjoy being a kid. That should not be taken from him. No matter how mature he is, he needs the grace to be able to be a kid, make mistakes and learn from all his experiences. 

 My mom struggled but she made it work, she was determined to fulfill what her mind conjured up as the best for her and I, and nothing stood in her way that was the Polack in her. That heritage came out this weekend when we started my floor project ripping out all the old tile.  I had to work the first day so I wasn't extremely helpful. But when no one was available to help Saturday or Sunday, I was determined to get it done and just did it. It is a completely empowering feeling. I didn't walk away unscathed but feeling like I did 3000 squats, some cuts, bruises and a few blisters later, it was worth the feeling of accomplishing something I set out to finish. Now it all just has to be swept up or carried out to a dumpster I rented. I think I will designate most of that to these two teenage boys who seem to hang out and eat all my food on a daily basis. LOL. 

My friend rescued me to help tackle the very last bathroom, when she came to ride with me last night but I finished the weekend in a peaceful place. Very few things compare to the view on top of a horse and the serenity of the ride and the bond you share with a horse. I enjoyed a glass of my favorite wine on my back patio, listening to the peaceful sound of Paxton's fish pond waterfall. And here is to the start of a new week and what it will bring my way. It isn't what comes your way but how you react to it and what you take away and use to grow, heal and push forward. 

I got this. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. 

2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith not by sight. 

Deuteronomy 31:6, 8 Be strong and bold; have NO fear or dread of them, because it is the Lord your God who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you.