Adjust your lens and climb on board.

I am the 44-year-old mother of a 14-year-old boy, one whose dad died just a few weeks shy of his 12^th birthday. An impressionable, difficult growing age to say the least. A mother who wants what’s best for her son but is working hard to release the guilt she feels for such a great loss to him that she had absolutely no control over, while somehow trying to live a life that shows him just how strong he can be through her example, while never letting go of the memories but still being able to create new happiness amongst the pain. She doesn’t want to give any impression whatsoever of replacing his father but also knows she is old enough to understand life moves forward (not on) yet young enough to know she deserves a second chance at a fulfilled and happy future. Her widowed friends seem to call it life part-two. She thinks her son seems to think she is somehow cheating or disrespecting or replacing his dad, but deep down wants his mom to be happy, heck he wants to be happy without guilt, to find men that he can do dad things with him even though he doesn’t want or need a new dad in his life, a mentor or buddy or a confidant is truly important. He has several guys who have stepped up to take him under their wing and do things that he enjoys doing, no one will ever teach him like his father did, but in his short 11+ years of life he managed to retain a bunch of information, skills, and talents that he learned from his father. In this I truly feel 100% blessed. When you are robbed of the experiences that you thought you would have had growing up, it can taint you or it can make you grow. You can, just like my friend’s story with her grandmother’s words ringing in her ear… it can make you bitter or it can make you better. I always hope he chooses better.

I have a lot of love to give and to be completely honest I watched my mom live for me, then Paxton and never really find true love or happiness after my dad died. She struggled with finding that person who fulfilled her with companionship. To my observant eyes she was always looking for my dad, in every guy she dated, and in every relationship she tried to build. I know that I am not looking for Steve, I had him. He was a complete pain in my ass sometimes, but I loved him, I know he loved me, and we were good together and I would still be with him if he was alive. I always strived to make things work, even in the most difficult times or the worst moments. I am not looking to find Steve. I am looking for someone who can make me feel alive, someone who loves the real me, who I am able to enjoy life part two with and whose heart will mesh with mine. I want someone who brings out the best in me, still wants to be with me at my worst and is equally yoked in my desires and intentions and whose life aligns and combines seamlessly and we blend well into each other’s. I know some of you might be saying, she acts as if it is that easy. Maybe not but no one said it had to be hard either. As I have mentioned before, you must have a limitless possibility vibe. Is anything ever really seamless, or is it our perception of it.

I posted a social media story while on vacation in San Diego this week. We stopped to watch the sunset and when I removed my sunglasses what I saw was different than through the lens I had chosen to wear that day. Interestingly, I thought how much prettier it seemed with the glasses on then off. Life is like this. We all view things through different lenses than one another and sometimes different lenses than our own self. Sometimes you just need to alter your perception to get the view you are intending to receive.

No matter who I chose to date, or how long they are a part of my life before I introduce them to Paxton, there is still that elephant in the room that whether it is a month, 2, 6 or a year, at some point, at some time it will have to be addressed. They will have to meet, it will be awkward, it will seem edgy, confusing or even impossible to predict. Nothing can be planned for the perfect scenario or the least uncomfortable moment, it just has to feel right and natural and no amount of time to wait can be calculated to predict that most comfortable setting for a uncomfortable situation. No amount of confidence in who I chose or who I am dating or who I let into my life is a guarantee, so waiting too long could also be just as weird. Remember I have said over and over, no two people, no two situations, or family dynamics are ever going to be the same, so no comparisons and no timeframes or rules seem to be one size fits all. Just do what you do, when you do it because deep down it feels right, and then go from there.

Paxton’s counselor has been preparing Paxton for this for about a year. He is a great man and I truly feel he was brought into our lives for a reason. He said, bless his heart, “your mom is young, she is pretty, she is caring and kind and she will probably find someone to love and who will love her back.” There is a lot more that went into this conversation that they have had multiple times. Paxton is my number 1 priority after God and myself and this will never change. He knows this, but I absolutely see when the apprehension, tension, confusion, doubt, fear and anxiety play a huge role in how he sees what I am doing and how it reflects on him, his future, and what he has always known. And believe me all of it comes with the greatest unknown, but just like everything in life nothing is a guarantee, change is inevitable and predictions, fears, anxieties, doubts, or even triumphs, success, fulfilled goals, and wins don’t always come true exactly as planned no matter how hard you attempt to figure out the future, or how many times you play a scenario over in your head trying to be as prepared as you can for every possible outcome. Sometimes you must just trust your gut and let it play out as it will. No matter how hard you try or how much you prepare it doesn’t always go the way you plan but goes the way that it should for what is needed. And we don’t always know what we need.

Which brings me to a friend who posted a quote on her story last week that took me back to a conversation I had with another friend a few days prior, as she and I discussed me opening a life coaching business. It said I think I finally hit my “it is what it is” stage with EVERYTHING. My previous conversation alluded to the fact that my other friend said that this saying drives her crazy, she doesn’t believe it at all. It should state… it is what it can be. And then there is me who thinks it is what it should be.

When I first went out with the guy that I am currently dating he said something to me that has stuck in my head. We had been talking for a few weeks before we met for drinks where we ended up having a 3 hour conversation that just flowed so naturally time wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I will never forget how he looked at me and said this just feels natural, and I knew exactly what he meant when he said it.  Sometimes things just flow with no pressure, no forced or false effort, and no expectations of what is to come.

A few weeks ago, he and I decided it seemed like a good time to meet each other’s kids. Is there every really a perfect time frame or situation? His being still relatively young wasn’t given the option to meet me, just enticed to come visit a farm full of animals and have a chance to ride a horse, but Paxton at the age he is and from the circumstances he has went through, I found it only fair to get his consent or blessing or persuade him into going along with the idea of meeting. I am not going to go into all the details, it seems especially unnecessary since it didn’t go like any scenario I had falsely created in my mind ahead of time. LOL, does it ever? It turned out like it was supposed to, a little nudging from a few friends, some similar hobbies, easy conversation, and a little relief getting it out of the way. He didn’t stay the whole evening, in fact I gave him an out, but he did put in some effort, and I absolutely love him for it. My kid is nothing shy of polite and kind when it counts. The buildup and anticipation can really be exhausting. Let’s just say I am glad I got that portion out of the way; I am blessed that Pax is open even in the slightest enough to be interested and that I am dating a guy who is patient and kind enough to understand the importance of timing and who is a father himself putting his kid first and understanding that I am doing that for mine while we both know there is room for each other in the mix, and no matter our background or our past our current familial status or weighing daily tasks and responsibilities; happiness is desired and deserved and tangible.

Life isn’t a fairy tale, things don’t always come together smoothly, things are built with effort, understanding and a little watering when necessary, but it doesn’t need to be hard, it doesn’t need to be a struggle to fit, it doesn’t always fit like a glove so don’t expect it to, but also know that if you have to force something together it is more than likely going to wear wrong or break, then you know it most definitely is not the right fit. Wait for the fit that molds together and feels natural.

Paxton and I just returned from our trip with friends. We didn’t really go with a plan, just a house we rented and some desire for the beach, sun, and water! We had such a great time, relaxed, laughed, and enjoyed the company. We all went on the roller coaster on Mission Beach. The kids most definitely wanted to go for the thrill. My friend said I will go if you are, I love roller coasters, so I was on board for sure. As we climbed into the car, she grabbed my hand and told me she hated roller coasters but loved them at the same time! In a way I felt bad that I dragged her along, but deep down knew she wanted to go. Sometimes our anxieties can stop us from doing things in life that can be most fulfilling. But if we just get over the initial fear and go for it, it becomes the most rewarding experience.  Just like I couldn’t predict the when and how of Steve dying, or be ready for it, I don’t know how my future will go either, I can let my fears of failing or losing someone else set in or I can just be excited about the possibilities and enjoy the ride. Get on board with your life and let the thrill overcome the doubt. You never know what is just around the corner if you get on.

From the Fear of F*king It Up to the Confidence to Make It Happen.

 

As Paxton walked out the door this morning, he was already in a sour mood from waking up later than he had intended and still frustrated with his hair not being cut and laying properly (teenage problems) due to his barber being sick for the last month and dead set against trying anyone new for fear they will “f*k it up… his words not mine. I cheerfully told him to have a great day with the retort response that that was “that’s impossible, because I have to go to school.” I wanted to coach him into having a better outlook on his day. The positive optimistic mom in me wanted to get in the last word about his attitude and how his day went had more to do with him than his circumstances but come on friends let’s be real- it is like talking to a wall sometimes with these teens! And then I stopped because no matter what I had to say, I knew he had to be open to receiving it, and I guarantee at that moment he was not. They don’t even want to begin to take mom’s advice, that would be absurd. LOL!  If they only knew fast forwarding 15-20 years and they will be in the same situation, I am sure. Trying to figure out what to say to their teen.  Like by then they or I haven’t lived at all through what they are experiencing now. Granted not exactly. Times are different, social media, phones and entitlement were not a thing in my day but I was still a teen, and experienced doubts, fears, emotions, feeling out of place, wanting to fit in, look good, have friends, find my way, getting through the boring and mundane classes, navigating my interests and dealing with teachers and people that I just didn’t care for or didn't like me! And actually a lot of us still have those fears and feelings as adults!

As I bit my tongue and decided to just text an encouraging quote at some point today which I often do during the week for him. He doesn’t normally respond unless it is an “I love you”, or “nice”, but I know he does take note of what I send, and I can only hope it might just slightly change his outlook. And then I know it is worth sending! I was reminded of a few things that happened this week that brought me back to how much control and power we actually have over our thoughts. I will say Sunday, being 2 years since Steve passed my weekend did not quite go as peaceful or relaxed as I would have hoped, I was surrounded by family and good friends who just knew what I needed and how to handle me even thought I wasn’t certain what I needed, but I did gain insight about my journey that I did not have prior to these feelings and the extra emotions and crying that did need to happen to force myself to think forward.

I have made it a point to bring love, light and hope into a lot of people’s lives over the years. I want people to believe in themselves and their abilities. To forward think, to be confident in their talents and choices and dream big dreams! I am not super competitive I am a huge cheerleader! In boosting others, I can remind myself of my strengths, abilities and talents and push myself a little more forward to my dreams, goals and that peace and harmony which is my main goal in life. Peace, joy, and happiness outweigh any amount of money I can make, time I can spend, or effort I put forth to accomplish worldly things. I want to share this with others, give them the tools to help them believe in themselves, accomplish their goals and desires, and think forward. My past has shaped who I am today for certain and sometimes I have looked at the glass half full and sometimes to be honest half empty. But as it has been said, the glass is refillable, always!  If you haven't, read How Full Is Your Bucket by  Mary Reckmeyer and Tom Rath

I have had several people approach me lately uncertain of their choices, afraid of what could go wrong in the process, afraid to fail, second guessing themselves, doubting their abilities, and just plain lacking the confidence in themselves to feel safe in their endeavors, whether it is getting out of a situation or embarking on a new one. I am really good at bringing them back to their center, regaining confidence in themselves and their choices, or helping them rethink what it is that they are trying to accomplish and refocus their steps to get there. We all often allow outside noise including neigh-sayers or jealous people to clout our minds with doubt, and often it is for fear of embarrassment or thoughts of someone being able to say “I told you so”. Absolutely no one has that much power over you without your permission! We can’t always guarantee something we do whether new or familiar is going to work out, but if we don’t try, we will always be wondering. If we try and fail, we at least tried. My advice is to concentrate on what can go right not what could go wrong, visualize the outcome and how it feels once you get to your end result and focus on that feeling. All the stuff along the way is just distracting fluff to discourage you! Don't let shit get in the way. 

I have encountered several eye-opening experiences this week, encounters with friends, acquaintances, and messages or readings I have come across that have moved me along the path that I have been contemplating for the last four years or so in helping others in a larger capacity then I already do. Last year at this time I thought my calling was being approached to lead a grief share group at a local church, and I do believe God wanted me in that space at the time to serve a purpose but now I feel I am being led to help move me forward into a new way for me to help others through a different type of leadership and connection. 

A friend needed a little encouragement this week so I wrote a affirming mantra and sent it to her and a few women who needed that self-confidence boost in their recent endeavors and reminded them not only to say this statement out loud every morning to start their day off on a positive note, but also to control their breathing and recite it every time they got stressed or doubted their abilities. All agreed with what I wrote and thanked me for sharing, one actually referred to me as her life coach! Words in a text or on a page will, however, not change your life, unless you believe in them and continue to take the actions necessary to get to where you want to go. You have to chose to take the actions to change your life for the better.

My past experiences and my traumas throughout my life have definitely had me question a lot of things, but I have never lost my faith and have maintained a positive approach, found the silverling, moved forward and not let my circumstances stand in the way of my dreams, goals or accomplishments. Things may be put on hold sometimes, but my confidence and determination outweigh my doubt. It isn’t for gentle nudging, reframing my thoughts constantly or reminding myself how truly awesome, unique, and purposeful I am in this world that make the difference. We should always be constantly evolving. I want to do that for others, I want them to be able to give the nudge needed to grasp a hold of their dreams, goals, desires, confidence and take it to the next level. I want God to bring into my life the people who need my help the most, the ones that I can bring inspiration to and that will pay it forward. What are you afraid of in taking your next step, let’s figure it out and get you on your way to fulfilling your entrepreneurial spirit, finding your center in your daily life or current job or relationship where you are struggling and turn the corner to the next best you. You have the power within you to do it, but just need the tools, nudging and reassurance that you are not alone and not too far off from reaching your greatest potential.

A friend of mine recently won a very prestigious and honorable award in her line of business and gave a speech about her life, her setbacks, traumas, and determination based on one of the principles her Nana taught her. “No matter what you face, you have the choice if it makes you bitter or better!” She has carried this with her since she was young a message ringing in the back of her head, and so did I but in a different capacity.  I grew up with a best friend, who was out of this world, her positive outlook on life even through the people’s lives she up-lifted and changed for the better especially during her illness in her short 10 years of life, it is like nothing else I have ever seen since, to the extreme opposite of my Grandma Pat, who I would consider to have been probably the most bitter person I have had the opportunity thus far to know. I used these people's examples or demeanors in my life to choose who I wanted to be more like and I still do. And believe me, I have been through so many things I could have easily chosen the path of bitterness, and no one would have faulted me for it. But why choose to live miserably, not enjoy my journey, not pursue my dreams, or go after what I want? 

I am still here; I deserve everything that makes me happy! This is something that I have always felt, preached, and looked for in any of my circumstances.  Silver linings, lessons or finding the positive in any situation can make all the difference in catapulting you forward, changing your mindset, and making a difference, not only in your future, but in those around you. Your attitude, your demeanor, the way you treat people, your mood walking into a room can set the tone, rub off on those around you and you could really change someone’s day! It could be positive or negative. Why not make those around you remember you as the upbeat hope filled woman who trusts her hopes not her fears? Why not me? Now just like anything else, I can provide encouragement, tools, advice, and a course of actions you can take to better yourself, meet your goals or gain confidence in your abilities, just like any other author, motivational speaker, life coach, business coach or counselor out there. But you must want to do the work, take the suggestions, or gain the knowledge and put it into your mindset, belief in yourself, and actions necessary to become better instead of bitter.

I thank all of you who continue to read my blogs, respond to my thoughts, resonate with, and thank me for my words, those who encourage me beyond belief, reach out publicly or privately to tell me of a situation, encounter, or connection to what I am speaking to you through my words or how much it has changed your outlook on something you have or are experiencing. It is validating to know I am inspiring others around me through my life experiences and my choice to be better verses bitter and be vulnerable in sharing my journey. I want everyone to be able to feel that for themselves.

If you are looking for life coaching or someone you know can benefit from it, after 4 years of struggling with my own confidence and the limits I placed on my abilities out of fear and whether I could benefit others to get them to their greatest potential or not, I AM READY to serve you. The timing is right. Reach out, let’s chat. Your first session is free and then I will offer a limited time low-cost plan to fit your goals/needs. I know I have a few men followers, but this will be exclusively offered to woman who want to learn to chose better over bitter or get them to the next level of confidence in their business or take that step into executing their ideas into their future goals with that extra boost of confidence that they already have inside them and just need to awaken it to take control over their future! We all have the right to flourish in this world, no one deserves to make something more of themselves more than you do with a little determination and positive push. Let's take you from the fear of f'*king it up to the confidence that you can make it happen. 

I came across this poem I had written years ago in a picture book I had made for my mom for her 60^th birthday. At least 15 years ago. I was spiritually nudged to go find this book this morning and skim through it. The timing in reading what I wrote and reflecting on the words couldn’t be more appropriate to come across than now, so I will share it with you. I believe in divine intervention and being in tune with it and its timing. 

I am who I am. I was born to be me. One of God’s children who He died to set free. Awaiting her future, her purpose foretold before walking those streets of gold. Many trials and errors, heartache, and pain. Pathways before me seem like nothing's to gain. Promised I am that this temporary strife will lead me to a better life. I walk the line waiting for His glorious sign. How do I know what He wants me to be if I don’t believe what I already see? I have a purpose, for this I know. I must take it to others to show. I am who I am, I was born to be me, one of God’s children he died to set free. -danirae

 

 

 

30 Years, A Place of Harmony, Music and Kitchen Lights

 

Today I will love all that I am for all that I am while finding myself by myself to define myself. I am an admirable person who seeks to help others, who values myself and knows my worth. Who works hard for myself and my child to create a life, a passion and a drive that is like a magnet and that attracts like people who value me and my family and knows my worth and celebrates my accomplishments with me.

I wrote the above after Steve died because even though I have always considered myself a strong woman, I didn’t realize how dependent my everyday was on being a part of someone else for so long, 23 years is a sizable portion of your life to be with someone who is no longer there. (I spent only 14 with my dad and the impact was huge!) The confidence I had in myself, and my abilities was in question and to this day 2 years later I still wonder sometimes, and need to remind myself I can do hard things. And so can you!  

I passed this statement above along to a friend who is in a space of redefining herself to step in the direction of her worth and her dreams and no longer let her life circumstances dictate what she can limit herself to doing. Whether someone dies or is still alive, when they are removed from your life it can take a huge shift in thinking and way of living on your part.  Our lives are about growth, change and becoming who we are meant to be. You cannot go through a significant life change and expect to be the same person you used to be; I am convinced that just isn’t possible. Journeys take you to new places they don’t hold you still for a moment in time. Reminding yourself to change is good, trying new things is good, becoming a better person than you were yesterday, last week, or last year is good.

Often, I think we lose sight of who we are and what we are trying to accomplish because we are so busy taking care of all that is around us. This is okay to an extent because God calls us to serve his people and we all have responsibilities in life. However, we must not lose sight of ourselves in the process. Today marks 30 years since my father died an event that has shaped me into who I am today. It reminds me that we all have choices. We can choose to let our circumstances help or hinder our growth, destroy our lives, or flourish because of them. No one claims that either choice is easier, in fact flourishing despite your circumstances and setbacks can be a lot more challenging but I am proof it can also be a lot more rewarding.

I never in a million years (well actually I had a brief glimpse 8 years ago, but we won’t go into my hokey intuition) did I think or prepare myself that 28 years after my dad passed to almost the exact date (less than a week a part) my son would also lose his. I am heading into this week with a lot of distractions to calm my tears, a lot of Hope to calm my fears, and a lot of Grace for both Paxton and I to just be what my cousin calls “in our feels.” This isn’t something you purposely do to get attention, as an excuse for forgetfulness or bad behaviors, just something that is real, the timing, the emotions, and the roller coaster memories from a time in your life that significantly changed your future because you loved so deeply and lost, and you want to hold onto those memories forever. You want to recreate a time and space that brings you directly to that person whether good or bad, it gives you a connection to something that no longer exists but was such a meaningful part of your life, you just want to revisit for a little while and reminisce in your “feels”. Just let the feelings occur, don’t fight the emotions, and accept that you will climb out more focused and mindful when you let those feelings happen naturally, tell yourself it is ok to feel the way that you do with the intention of snapping out of it, but not until you deal with them.

Like I have said before in other blogs, we will all have ups and downs in our lives, you just must make sure the ups are more frequent than the downs and when the downs come to visit, you do everything in your power, the power that is within you, not to stay there for too long. You woke up this morning, you are still here, God gave you a purpose and has a plan for you, get out and explore, if you are not serving your purpose take that step today to go in the right direction, enjoy the journey, and make those people who are no longer here, proud that you still are. When one chapter ends, the next one begins; write it forward.

Some girlfriends and I went to an acoustic concert series last night, which live music and music in general really has a way of bringing me peace. The featured artists were all very good and the words and lyrics in songs have a way of connecting with my soul. Whether it is the years of poetry that I have written, the blogs that I post, from being a fellow writer, or just the emotions that I feel when I can listen to and relate to someone else’s story through their music it tends to take me to a place of harmony within. Music isn't my only outlet but not all the other things I enjoy or bring me harmony can be done everyday, so this one seems the most centering. Pause as many times as you need and find what centers you and partake in it more. 

The words last night that resonated with me and my resent struggles inside my head were this. Always have a safe space you can go to and create a safe space that someone else can come to. Life’s ups and downs require love and support. We are not expected to do it alone. Go get yourself a cheerleader and be a cheerleader for someone else, but always love who you are no matter where you are in your journey, things change, embrace the changes, and move forward. Stop trying to have all, be all, and do all by yourself. And if you are going to live in your past, make it brief, the person you were no longer exists and you owe it to yourself and those around you to concentrate on the person you are creating!  

I will continue to move forward being me, trusting and loving who I am and what my purpose is, but give me a week at least… lol. I need to pause and take it all in. Remember to be kind to everyone you meet you have no idea what they are struggling and dealing with in their head at any given moment. And remember to give the grace you give others to yourself as well, you absolutely need and deserve it just as much as they do. 

Taken from Light on In the Kitchen by Ashley McBryde

So Honey, trust yourself

You better love yourself

‘Cause ‘til you do you ain’t no good to anybody else

Honey, trust yourself

Laugh at yourself

If something tries to hold you back

Get up and give it hell

And for haven’s sake always have a place

Where you can do some cryin’ and some bithcin’

And always leave a light on in the kitchen.

Big Dreams, Bad Ass Moms, Confidence, and Silver Linings.

 

Have you ever been so excited about something, and it doesn’t turn out as you expect or plan? Happens all the time, right? Or at least more often than we hope for. And yet, somehow, we again and again plan, prepare, and expect the best.  When we allow ourselves to get super disappointed instead of finding good in any situation we are living in a false sense of perfection. If we can find the good, learn the lesson, or gain from the experience we can be equipped to handle the next situation and accept that sometimes disappointments happen, things don’t go right, or we find ourselves in a bind. I try my hardest to stop myself and find a silver lining instead of allowing it to affect my mood or my demeanor, I may not always succeed at first, but I try. Which can ultimately cause a downward spiral of negativity in any one given day, week, or year if we put too much emphasis on any one negative event and allow it to overcome our sense of confidence, happiness, or pleasure. Placing myself in a state of gratitude rather than despair helps me to see the bigger picture and allows me to control how I am affected by negative circumstances surrounding me. Because this is life and shit happens!

If you have ever participated in something competitive, most if not all participants go into a game, match, or competition with the idea of winning in their mind! No one says, “I can’t wait to lose”, “I am excited to fail”, or “I look forward to being defeated”. And yet if you do lose, if you are not successful in your attempt to win or be on top that day you might get discouraged, be upset with your performance, or feel bummed for a while, however you use that loss to help you prepare for the next competition, work harder, or alter your approach and once again you go in believing that you will succeed and do better in the next one.

Guys, life is kind of the same concept. You will never win at everything you do, but you don’t ultimately just give up, instead you learn from each encounter how to improve as you go and strive to always do better every day. You are constantly educating yourself, adjusting, and readjusting to life and what it throws at you. You choose how you react, and you choose your attitude. Both of which can make or break you, but it is your choice.

I am listening to an audible by Lydia Fenet called Claim Your Confidence, (sidenote, I absolutely love listening to motivational books read by the author who wrote them, it makes me pay more attention to each word as I picture them talking directly to me and giving me the tools and secrets on how to improve something that I am looking to do, even if it might be slightly or even significantly different then their goals the basic concepts will apply)

I read her first book called The Most Powerful Woman in the Room is You a little over a year ago with take aways that have improved the way I look at a lot of the things I do. She is a highly sought out, very successful non-profit auctioneer in a male dominated industry. Not only is that powerful, but that is also confidence at its finest, probably not the easiest success story, however, it proves that if you really want something, don’t let anything discourage you or make you quit. You have the power within you to make it happen if you believe in yourself and take the necessary steps no matter who or what stands in your way. Overcoming obstacles is a huge factor in most success stories.  I guarantee she didn’t get there without getting shot down, being ridiculed, told she couldn’t do it, sleepless night and perhaps a lot of tears. But she stands before us today as an example of someone who chooses to take control of her life repeatedly for sake of the bigger picture and to be the writer of her own story.

This weekend was girl’s weekend! I have looked forward to this since our first trip a year ago. And even though each one of these girls has been a significant part of my life in one capacity or another for a couple years to over twenty years, as a group we collectively formed and share a bond that not only can’t be broken but it also can’t be joined. We have shared our lives, our goals, our fears, weaknesses, strengths, and temptations with one another and many memories have been built while we have been through life’s ups and downs together in full support even when we might be hard to love. This weekend started out as a birthday celebration for both girls whose birthdays are this month when we planned it. Going up to the cabin to relax and rest, have a little girl fun in an inexpensive but much needed getaway!

As bad ass working moms we all need a little girlfriend supported R&R from time to time to destress and bring us back to center. God knows we carry the weight of our families, our careers, our societal demands, and expectations on our shoulders daily and still come out on the other side the next day continually moving forward! Sometimes I wonder how, but we do it! Bad ass moms have this superpower. Unexpected life circumstances caused one of us to miss it entirely and the weekend itself was cut short due to life’s demands by others. The one thing that I stress over all is that even though we are there for each other through life’s thick and thin, we as individuals then our families come first.

Truly I wished I had learned this ten years ago or more; we cannot fully take care of others if we are not taking care of ourselves. No matter how much you might believe putting others first (as I was taught) is the selfless and ultimate goal you have been taught to live by. Yes, to an extent God wants us to serve others before ourselves but not to our detriment or complete breaking point of our bodies and mind. And I doubt He is encouraging doing each thing half-assed or not fully giving our attention to it because we have too many things on our plate to be effective at any one given thing. Can we multi-task, sure we can but everything has a cap.

I have learned even more in the last two years than the last ten that saying no to something gives me the control over what I can or cannot handle physically, mentally, or emotionally and allows me a better, healthier, and more productive outcome for the things that I know I excel at helping! You cannot be good at everything, but you owe it to yourself to be able to give 100% to the things that you are and feel like you are making a difference for. I would tell my younger self this as well as encourage those younger than me to live by it starting now, not 10 years from now.

I found myself with a day and a half to sit around with the choice to feel sorry for myself and the plans we had and be disappointed in the things that did not happen as we had planned. Or to control my thoughts to keep them positive, be grateful for the time we had spent and enjoyed, and take advantage of the remaining time to do the things that I needed to do around my cabin, sift through old stuff, clean out closets, throw away useless or broken items, shop for some upgrades to make my renters experience more enjoyable, read a new book, enjoy breakfast with some family members, have a little extra time to help another friend in need, and bask in the laughter and energy of the boys who came back from their time at grandpa’s (because they couldn’t be a part of girl’s weekend) and spent with me.

Part of you living the life you want to live is in harmony not balance. What is truly important to you? No one is perfect so stop trying to live the perfect life.  Imperfections are what make life interesting. Stop trying to please others, apologize for your choices, or ask others for permission to take care of yourself, your family, or your needs. Those people who are your tribe, your cheerleaders, and your support system will continue to participate in your journey no matter what life’s demands get in the way, so keep writing your story and those who are suppose to be in it will continue to be there with every step you take to improve your life, meet your needs, and take you to places that sometimes only you can imagine. Because frankly, as in every signed copy of my children’s book I write The possibilities of your imagination are endless, Dream Big!  love, Dani. I should add if you believe in yourself more than you believe in those who doubt you, you are one step ahead of your critics! Visualize yourself already being where you want to go and keep your eyes, your heart, and your mind focused on the bigger picture instead of all the obstacles along your way.

Don’t ask anyone permission to write your story, it is yours… but if you feel like you need permission, today I am giving it to you. Do the things that make you happy! Dream Big!

Taken from Drayton Farley’s song Dreamer

If I can dream forever than I never wanna die I was born to be a dreamer in this hard up kind of life. If I can dream forever go ahead and blind my eyes ‘cause these dreams are all I have and all these dreams I have are mine. Oh my, all these dreams I have are mine. So if I can dream forever then I never wanna die.. I was born to be a dreamer in this hard up kind of life.. If I can dream forever, go ahead and blind my eyes.. ‘cause these dreams are all I have and these dreams I have are mine.

 

The death of a friend and the re-birth of baseball

 

Baseball, I love that word. Don’t ask why it is so important to me to see Paxton play again, but it is. It would warm my heart so much. I am a woman of intuition I don’t get it all the time, but when I do, I am not usually wrong. I have felt him getting back into it eventually I just didn’t know when. I just needed to maintain my patience. We had a little stint with hitting earlier this year if you caught that blog… but it wasn’t enough to push him to play. It is a connection that he lost to his dad after he chose not to pursue it at the season end nearly two years ago. Speaking of, we are on the cusp of the two-year anniversary of Steve’s passing and it is crazy to look back and see how far we have come, what we have learned, how we have changed, relationships we have lost and new ones that we gained.

The start of high school, 1 month in and the boy is doing well. About a week and a half ago the baseball coach asked me if I thought Paxton would want to switch into his last hour baseball class. He has been working on Paxton to get back into baseball since he left, but like me, the coach knew it had to be on Paxton’s timing.  I wasn’t certain but I said I would suggest it. I broached the subject with him, and he hymn hawed around a little bit and then said “well, what is it about”. I said, “I don’t know ask that coach”. I put it back on him, I wasn’t going to push it. Before the end of the week, he switched out of PE into Baseball all on his own and he has talked about it ever since. He is hitting like a champ, getting a good workout, he stopped drinking soda, and he has lost 4 lbs.  I think he is heading in the right direction for what he needs, and I couldn’t be prouder. Not to say ups and downs won’t come, but his focus is way better and he is doing good in school as far as grades as well. There might be some motivation by some cute girls and just a good group of boys and baseball buddies to hang out with. High school is so much different than he imagined, and I feel blessed that he has found a groove.

This month for me marks the 30-year anniversary of my dad’s passing (August 28^th) . After all these years you would think it would just be a day to remember. However, this year it seems to have hit me like a milestone. One that not only signifies how long it has been but how old that I have become. One of my dear close friends is experiencing her father’s decline from a recent stroke and counting her days that she can enjoy his quality of life and what is left of it. Her mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer as well- talk about a double whammy! This brings stress, heartache, questions and fears, it takes time away from her everyday life as she knows it, but she is there 100% for whatever her parents’ needs are and it is truly a beautiful sacrifice, but part of life as we know it. Making the most of your days together and enjoying each moment, the good, the sad, the bad and being able to maintain the laughter is key! 

Fast forward to me driving last Friday when I received a text from a good childhood friend, his parents were some of my parents’ best friends and we tolerated one another… lol. Just kidding, we were great friends, the kind that now as adults would do anything to see the other one content and happy. After a stroke a couple months ago, his dad lost his struggle to fully recover and restore his quality of life. The text hit me like a ton of bricks, my heart sank, and I immediately wanted to cry. On my way to a date and not wanting to show up distraught or red-eyed, I choked back the tears. Even though I lost both my parents at a relatively young age, it still breaks my heart to hear of a friend’s loss, especially when they are around the age my parents would be or people close to them! Death is inevitable but still so hard for the living to accept because we love so deeply. Every time someone close to us dies, the world as we know it slightly changes and sometimes significantly depends on our connection. I am not the same girl I was 30 years ago, or 2 years ago for that matter. But all these notches on my timeline make me who I am now, and I hope that is a better person than I was then because of what I went through.

The older I get the more people around me seem to die. I went through my fair share as a kid. Don’t get me wrong, but now it seems a lot more frequent as my elders are getting up there in years. The one thing I think I stress to myself is that everyone has an expiration date, everyone has a purpose, and everyone grieves. I was telling a friend the other day whose dog had gotten out of the yard somehow and run over by a car while they were away for just a short period of time, (something they didn’t need to be experiencing right now with other stuff they have going on) that even though we want to question “why” we are dealt some of the shittiest cards at the same time, it isn’t what we are dealt but how we handle what life throws at us that is the bigger test. It isn’t God giving us situations to test us, it is life throwing us life and how we respond to what we are given and how much we trust God to get us through. The test from Him, to me, is our response, he didn’t give us the event or situation, life did. Will it bring us closer to Him, or draw us further away? Ultimately life sucks sometimes but it also gives us a lot of good things, blessings, and times we can cherish. That is ultimately what we need to focus on, be grateful for and move forward.

Reminder- life is short- grudges are a waste of perfect happiness, laugh when you can, apologize when you should and let go of what you can. Take chances. Give everything you got and have no regrets. Don’t be unhappy. You must take the good with the bad and we will always have some bad, make the most of your good! Smile often, Love what you have, but know it is okay to want more, work for it. Always forgive but never forget. Keep learning and growing. Learn from your mistakes but never regret them. People will change and things will go wrong, that is ok. You can only control your thoughts, actions, and reactions, never someone else’s that is on them. Life moves forward with or without you, stay present, don’t get off until it is your time.

Fill in Your Blanks, Cards Against Humanity and Vaping

 

In my last blog I mentioned to all of you that my girlfriends and I played Cards Against Humanity with Paxton and his best friend a couple weeks ago. Truly the best experience for all of us. I think that there is a lot to be said in trusting your kids with adult things, knowing that they are human and not making it weird. I truly love that about our relationship. Raising a teenage boy has its downfalls… lol, especially as a single mom of the opposite sex... although it does have some advantages in my opinion as he will end up with a partner of the opposite sex some day and I am hoping I can raise him to be everything that she needs. I am not a dad guiding him through physical changes, lifestyle changes, girls, questions, guy stuff… but I do try to impress on him that he can ask me anything and I will answer as best as possible or point him in the right direction. There have been a few times that I have to maintain my composure when he does ask something a little more on the personal side, something that seems logical to me and my 44 years, but I know he hasn’t quite gotten to his plethora of knowledge about many of these things quite yet.

I want to be a safe space where he can feel like he can come to me with anything and that I will not judge him in his lack of expertise, make him feel stupid or anxious, I want to listen when appropriate, give advice when solicited, and encourage him no matter what the outcome to always tell me the truth. I say telling the truth and getting in trouble is far less consequential than lying and having to dig your way out of something tougher and paying a high price for that.

This weekend we were driving, and Paxton was telling me a story about a group of his friends from school. He was sharing some experiences with them and happened to mention one of the kids vaped. I don’t know this boy in the group so I cannot place any judgement or restrictions on Paxton hanging out with him as long as he is a good kid and isn’t causing Paxton to get in any trouble. I know it is a trendy thing to do these days, whether it is the right thing to do or not. Kids his age smoked and did drugs when I was a freshman in high school, I just chose not to participate.

I asked him how he felt about it and he mentioned he wasn’t a fan but didn’t necessarily think that meant he couldn’t be his friend. I said that I have friends who vape or smoke and that it has always been my choice not to do so. He has that choice as well, but sometimes it is okay to still be friends with that person. He mentioned that some of the other boys had tried it. He said he didn’t want to and neither did one of the others. I said that is great to stick together, and even if that other boy tries it later, you know you don’t have to. He said I know mom; I will not let someone talk me into something I am against.

 I am super proud of this kid, from a young age I have felt he has always stuck with what he believes in, even when it makes me think he is being stubborn! I said he should continue encouraging the other kid who didn’t participate with his leadership and example of not giving into any peer pressures or the desire to fit in. Always stick up for what you believe in is my Motto. There is no reason to not be their friend if they are not pressuring you to do it, making fun of you because you won’t or allowing it to cause any issues amongst the group or getting other’s in trouble. That is the kid who is vaping’s choice and doesn’t necessarily make him a bad kid overall.

Some of you may disagree with me and that is ok. But for this instance, I would never tell my son to not be friends with the boy who vapes as long as that is the worst thing the kid is doing. We all have bad habits, no one is perfect including my child and I am not about to create a perfect world or bubble that I expect him to live within, or put limitations on who he chooses as friends,  (I really feel deep down that he is the kind of kid who will always choose his best option and not base it off of someone else’s poor choice. I was that kid and so was his dad.)  I feel that it creates resentment and rebellion and the ramifications of that can be far worse than just allowing him to maintain friendships with some imperfect people. We have had plenty of discussions on things that do make these boys much worse influences or people that you wouldn’t want your child to be hanging out with and I think he knows and has created his own boundaries on what is acceptable and what isn’t, and I am extremely proud of him for the choices he has made in life so far.

Freshman year here we are week number 3, and all that high school will throw us in the next four years, I welcome the experience. I look forward to watching Paxton grow into the man he is suppose to be by the sum of all the choices he makes. I look forward to doing my best to be available, understanding, open-minded to discussion, and supportive of Paxton’s energy and where he wants that to go. Again, I say as I have blogged about many times thus far, I am not looking for the perfect kid, I am raising someone to be a kindhearted, compassionate, purposeful adult.

At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child's success is the positive involvement of parents. Jane Hull

 Having a parent who believes he or she has a voice that matters in this world. Rachel Macy Stafford

They way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. Peggy O'Mara

Affirming words from moms and dads are like light switches. Speak a word of affirmation at the right moment into a child's life and it's like lighting up a whole room full of possibilities. Gary Smalley

And my favorite of them all! 

So our job as parents is not to make a particular kind of child. Instead, our job is to provide a protected space of love, safety, and stability in which children of many unpredictable kinds can flourish. Our job is not to shape our children's minds; it's to let those minds explore all the possibilities that the world allows. Our job in not to tell our children how to play; it's to give them the toys and pick them up when they are done. We can't make children learn, but we can let them learn.  Alison Gopnik

What the Hell is Hell’s itch?

 

I learned at a very young age how to calm myself down or overcome fear by visualization. As far back as I can remember my mom taught me how to do this to control any anxieties that I had. I also remember at a very young age being super ticklish on my feet and it used to drive me crazy, her dad, my Papa had me lay down on the couch and close my eyes he walked me through visualizing not being ticklish anymore it is hard to write about but I can remember all the things he said, the feelings that I experienced, and the fact that to this day, my feet are not ticklish, in fact most of my body isn’t except 1 spot that I never really bothered to work on. Near my hip, Steve knew it too and would occasionally make me laugh uncontrollably and you know what, laughter sometimes is the best stress reliever, so I welcomed it most of the time unless he just took it too far and wouldn’t stop, lol.

To this day it has helped me get through anxiety, stressful situations, pain, and tension as well as manifesting things that I desire. For example, I never get Novocain when I get my cavities filled and getting a tattoo is uncomfortable, but it never seems to hurt me. Concentrating and visualization when used correctly can be so powerful.

A few weekends ago we went up to the Cabin to take Aidan home and hang out with my sister-in-law and a couple of friends. Two days before, we went to the lake to Paddle and neither Paxton nor Aidan decided to apply sunblock. At almost 14 and 16 years old this Mama is tired of having to nag them. Needless to say, both of them broke out into little mini blisters on their shoulders and red on their back and neck. Paxton had me put some Aloe on the second night after it got to be too much. They knew they would experience a couple days of soreness before they peeled, it is what it is right!?

Anyway, fast forward to Friday night, I was making dinner for everyone, and Paxton decided to take a shower in my bathroom, he yelled at me from the bedroom. I went in there and he was dancing around the room in sort of a panic telling me that he felt like he had hundreds of fire ants crawling inside his back biting him and that he wanted to rip his skin off. We applied aloe, essential oils, oatmeal lotion, I made him take Benadryl and ibuprofen. He continued to lay down, sit up, stand up. I could clearly see he was miserable and didn’t really know what to do. I offered to take him to the hospital which he declined. After a little bit of time and reapplying things to his upper back (not the blistered shoulders) I made him lay down and we began the visualization that I knew so well. My kid has anxieties like what his dad and grandmother had, and I am determined that I am going to teach him how to control it and not take over his life as an adult. I have since he was a very young age been able to get him to calm down and a lot of times fall asleep using these techniques. He tends to like to fight me about it at first a little, but I will tell you it has worked every time, no matter the situation. This time was no different and within less than 20 minutes of talking him through his pain he was asleep.

I googled sun poisoning since I really wasn’t sure what was happening with him and came across the title “What is Hell’s itch?” Clicking on it thinking what a crazy name. To my surprise and comfort, it said “people describe it like fire ants biting you under your skin, wanting to rip your skin off and an uncontrollable itch that causes a stabbing pain.” Holy hell, seriously… what this is a thing? Apparently, it only happens in a very very small percentage of people, is often caused when the person goes to a higher elevation (we went from the valley to the Mountains) and it causes the nerve ending at the end of the sunburn to have this particular reaction. It can last on and off for up to 48 hours and is relieved by things such as Benadryl, Ibuprofen, oatmeal products and hydrocortisone. Wow! Really… Lucky for him when he woke up it was gone, and he did itch but never again had this feeling while we were there.

We enjoyed the rest of our stay, the boys had fun shooting, we relaxed, ate great food, us girls went paddleboarding at Show Low Lake, and we ended the weekend with the most fun game of Cards Against Humanity, 4 moms and two teenage boys! If you have ever played picture that. It was not only hilarious, but it was also so much fun, we played until 1 AM and I haven’t laughed so hard in I don’t remember how long. Sometimes being human, vulnerable, and your fun authentic self can strengthen a bond amongst people, I think this weekend proved to myself and to Paxton that even though I am his mom, I can be silly and have fun too.

Life can throw things at us that we least expect, we can get concerned, uptight and anxious about so many things and we can choose to let it take over our lives, our attitudes, and our minds. One thing we need to realize is we have more power over things than we give ourselves credit for. You can alter the frequency of your thoughts, you can align your beliefs and desires, you can heal yourself from a lot of things. God has given us the ability to have this power. You can be intentional with your focus. You can alter your state of mind and you can create a life full of things you desire, one visualization at a time. No circumstance or situation can take over unless you let it. Your vibration and internal state are your responsibility. Life happens, control your thoughts, and don’t let it break you.

Life is tough, but this girl is tougher!

 

There is something to be said about getting in a routine and then getting in a rut! And I think I have fallen prey to a rut recently but recognize it. I need to find my way out. I could feel my energy shift and I will only let it go so far before I push back.  I cannot run away or hide from my truth for too long! This is a truth I have to recognize about myself and how I vibrate. I have never been much of a routine person and maybe that is to a fault, but maybe it is also what allows me to try new things and never get completely complacent with where I am at, always learning, growing, and exploring new interests and business opportunities. I want to constantly grow and build and be better. Some days it is rough, and I just want the world to go away… ruts do happen especially for the highly motivated. My new therapist, yes I recently got one of those, called me a highly functioning adult who was probably never diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, because they didn't really do that back then... I laughed, and said you know, you are probably right. But guess what, that is me and I know how to handle myself most days! Some days I am so much of a go-getter I am constantly moving and shaking and making the world around me better. I know that harmony and balance are the goal. And I am certain that even when I get knocked down, I will always get back up. I won’t expect any less of myself most days.

The last few weeks I have had mixed emotions about where I am in my life, with my career, with raising Paxton. I am constantly reevaluating my decisions to make sure that I am effectively raising him to be a kind, considerate and grateful adult.

Over the years Steve and I’s parenting style has alluded to the fact that neither one of us believed that we should shelter Paxton from the real world. I definitely understand people wanting to make sure that their kids are not exposed to the cruelty of this world, but unfortunately it is there. Everyone has different parenting styles there unfortunately is no book- there are a lot of opinions out there and you are welcomed to take what there is and make it your own. So we all parent a little differently and sometimes a lot differently. We can make it hard, and we can be simplistic. I think no matter how hard you work, parent, or do the things, that he will develop skills, personality traits and hobbies solely based on what is going on in his world and not from me or my influences and that is ok, I just pray he chooses the things that align with his core vibes and intentions that God has set for him. 

School started this week. He is a Freshman you guys! Where does the time go? My baby is all grown up. And this is one step closer to his freedom and development to adulthood. I may have had a little bit of a meltdown on the first day (after he left), admittedly more so that Steve isn’t here to participate than me actually sad that Paxton is in high school, or maybe a mix of both.

I think it went well. He has gone every day since Tuesday. We have prayed every morning before he leaves for his teachers, his classes, his schoolwork and his friends to allow him to become the best version of himself. He has set his own alarm, showered, filled up his water jug and got on the bus with friends and figured out the different buildings, classes, and routine that he will be experiencing for the next 4 years. I am proud of him, even if going just might have something to do with the cute new girl they have accepted into their circle of friends, who by the way is into horses…(if you are reading this please don't share with him) But heck whatever gets him there I am all for it after the last 2 years of a roller coaster of schools, formats and fighting over his attending school, doing his work, and being motivated to care. 

I am looking forward to watching his journey over the next 4 years more than I am nervous about it! His week even ended in a early release day as the town broke a water main and the schools were without water and sent the kids home before noon. Probably just what he needed to veg a little and process everything he has experienced so far. He even did his homework last night before he went to hang out with his friends without mom even mentioning it or asking if he had any! I am not sure how long this is going to last… but let’s not jinx it! I'll bask in the current motivation I see in him and pray that it continues. He did even mention to me a few days ago his goal was to get all A's and B's! Fabulous! I know he has it in him, he just has to want it bad enough. 

So this week I did a thing, I read an amazing book that gave me new motivation to get myself up from my recent rut and push forward once again, I decided it is time for me to get back on track and I hired a counselor, first time I have been to counseling since I was a Sophomore in High School a year after my dad passed away… which you guys will be 30 years ago next month!!! I can’t believe how time flies. I did business/life coaching with my mom years back for the extra push, but I think this is where I am going to find my answers (within myself) right now. 

 I am always saying trust the timing of your life and I think that this is going to give me just what I need to pursue my passions and help as many people as I possibly can which is my true goal in life. So, stay tuned for goodness and my new pursuits. I am ready to manifest good things into my life and be able to share my passion, knowledge, and wealth with others so that I can teach them to do the same for themselves. God gave us the ability to have more power than you could ever imagine. Realigning your limiting beliefs and shifting your focus to intentional things is the one lesson that I want Paxton to learn this year and that I can lead by example.  Life happens and we cannot let it break us, only strengthen our abilities to do more good for others while we are here. Tune into your best self and keep going no matter what your past looks like, be in tune with who you are now and where you want to go. 

Taken from Tougher by Lainey Wilson

They say, "What don't kill you makes you stronger" and I believe that's right

Through every low-down beatin' this old heart's taken
A whisper in the dark says I won't make it
I know it's just the devil doin' what he does, tryin' to make me suffer
No matter what the battle is keeping me prayin'
I gotta be strong, I gotta keep saying
I'm gonna make it through, one way or the other
Life is tough, but this girl's tougher

You're gonna get a good cry from me tonight, but nothin' more

Through every low-down beatin' this old heart's taken
A whisper in the dark says I won't make it
I know it's just the devil doin' what he does, tryin' to make me suffer
No matter what the battle is keeping me prayin'
I gotta be strong, I gotta keep saying
I'm gonna make it through it, one way or the other
Life is tough, but this girl's tougher

Than anything you throw my way
Yeah, I might bend but I won't break
You ain't the first, won't be the last to make me feel this way

Life is tough
But this girl's tougher

Just Breathe!

  

Today Paxton comes home from being away for 3 weeks. I am more than excited that he is coming home early. To say that I have missed him is an understatement. Did we need the break from one another. You betcha. But when it is time, it is time. He had fun, my family loved on him like he needed to be and I more than appreciate all that he was able to do and experience while he was there. To be honest I miss my family a lot. I have been shopping real estate there for awhile, just browsing. Is my heart pulling me there or are we trying to escape our trauma and circumstances that are guaranteed not to probably disappear with a move, but it is worth investigating all possibilities in my life and embrace any changes that are for the better. 

A house came up this trip that I just had to find out more about. Paxton has been bugging me to move there for almost 2 years.   He and my aunt went to check it out and I think we all fell in love. It had a 2.5 acre pond and 5 acres of woods to hunt, right up his alley. I am torn between moving and staying there is a lot at stake for both of us. My family is there, but my friends, career and community are here. Long story short a lot went into praying and thinking and pros and cons and weighing it all out, on both of our parts, and I am proud to say we made a family decision that we really like where we live, and we will continue to visit as often as we can! 

I have been wanting to get a tattoo that is just for me. I currently have 5 all centered around deceased people. Yes, that sounds morbid in a way, but it does give significant meaning to what they are and why I chose them. I came across an image a friend posted on social media with a saying that has always resonated with me. Most of you know I can go a million miles a minute, I have my hands in multiple projects at one time, my brain thinks ahead constantly, and I can talk fast and jump around topics often. I am sure I can annoy some people and have felt people sometimes not have patience for my demeanor, but mostly everyone I know loves me for who I am, flaws included.  Those of you who put up with me, thanks! I know I am a lot sometimes. But I don’t sugar coat or hide who I am, who I am is what you get! Transparency is what I give. I will not apologize for who I am. 

Many years ago, a friend Mitzi gave me an ornament that said “Breath, slow down, breathe, take it all in. Trust.” A picture of a girl with a bird on her shoulder. It has been hanging from the steering wheel in my vehicle since. My mom was all about teaching me to breath, relax, focus and trust my whole life whenever things got stressful, I was hurting, or I needed to deter my thoughts from something negative. I am trying to teach Paxton to do the same, so his fears and anxieties do not overcome him, and he can learn to cope to the best of his ability. 

 Breathing is important, and I am not just talking about what you do subconsciously. At times breathing needs to be intentional.  I am grateful for every breath I take. I wake up every morning with a grateful heart, a chance to make a difference and a purpose. Some days are easier than others. When  2 months ago a Facebook friend posted that image that resonated with me I immediately thought it would make a perfect tattoo. It was a jpeg that said Just Breath with a dandelion blowing in the wind at the end. It has been stuck in my head ever since and after this past week I decided to make it reality. 

I am normally an instant gratification person when it comes to something I want, but sometimes things are worth the wait and timing is everything. Trust the timing of your life. And this was the right timing for me. After a little alteration from the tattoo artist (the same one that did my last 2 tats) who made it fit what I wanted to portray and where I wanted it to be. A reminder that when things happen unexpectedly, don’t necessarily go as planned, or start to get overwhelming I need to Just Breathe like my mama taught me. 

Did you know that dandelions those little yellow flowers that seem to pop up just about everywhere in fields, on the side of the road, and in the middle of your yard all summer long, you know the ones as kids as they went to seed we plucked and blew them off into the wind, making a wish as we blew, they actually have a medicinal purpose and symbolize hope, personal growth and transformation while often used in Native American and European peoples for a plethora of health benefits, cleansing, and healing purposes. 

So as I am still on this journey embracing my new beginning it is only fitting that I would chose something reminding me of my carefree childhood, hope and wishes for my future self, but that also represents the ability I have to be resilient, push through my challenges and obstacles, blow away the remnants of my struggles and disappointments and let them roll off my shoulder and move forward. 

When things get overwhelming remember to just breathe! 

Reflect, Release, Refresh, Reset then Move Forward

 

When your bible verse of the day “cultivate a rhythm of reflection” and your daily inspiration quote pictured above and a reel you are sent intertwine what you have in your heart to write about, you sit down and make it happen.

Well hello there, let’s catch up just a little. The last blog I left you guys with how we all stumble and slip in life and that we need to concentrate on being a little more surefooted like the deer, confident and competent in our choices. I told you about me dating and how Paxton was not too happy about it but knew he had no say in the matter. Fast forward to now.

In life any decision you make can probably involve your intuition or gut feeling if you truly listen to it. Sometimes we tend to fight that gut feeling… is it just insecurity? Is it our fear of the unknown? Are we not ready for the next step, so we get nervous? HMMMM… I don’t know. I think your gut is pretty spot on. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. When we want something to be right, want it to work, what do we do… keep trying. Sometimes it becomes forced and no longer enjoyable. If you have followed me since the beginning or know me well at all you know that I get intuition a lot. I knew on my first date with him, I would marry Steve, I even came home that night a called my childhood bestie Alana and told her. He married me 6 years later, but my gut said, “this is the guy.” In 2001 I got on an airplane that I fought my boss at the time about even going that day… the engine blew in the air, and we had to turn around. Your gut can push or pull you from things if you are in tune with it and know how to listen!

You all know I am not a quitter, and so 7 weeks into this new dating scenario, when my gut just told me this isn’t for you, I kept going, I was vested some, I liked the attention that I was receiving. He was a nice enough guy, we had fun times, chemistry… I could make this work… Paxton hadn’t met him; I hadn’t met his kids. We were enjoying getting to know each other and all the hype that surrounds that newness, until I just “knew” it wasn’t right. I spent the next 2 weeks trying to convince myself that I could make it work, there was potential there. Were the good things overriding the bad, or were there more things I was trying to explain or convince myself I could live with? I mean come on NO ONE is perfect, including me and I have tendencies and idiosyncrasies I could probably write a book about that you either love about me because it makes me me, or it drives you out of your mind crazy, this is probably the best time to run. LOL

I don’t think anyone starts out at the beginning of a relationship to hurt the other person or with a negative attitude to the detriment of the future of it. Over time, when you learn more about how the other person ticks, or what they withhold from you and how much they value your worth, when words of affirmation don’t match actions even if you think the intentions are genuine seeing it actually play out and not just talked about is a huge indicator of what the future could look like and that is when things and feelings begin to change. We all have a past, things we have done or are ashamed of, and it doesn’t always indicate our future but sometimes when it spills over, it can overwhelm those we bring in at a later date, who don’t know what we dealt with in our past or what we are already battling in our head, especially when avoiding it instead of putting it on the table so we are aware of what we are dealing with, can make the other person not really know how to respond to the other.

People change all the time, but do they really or do they change over time? We have learned through our life experiences how to act and react and be who we are. Can people transform and change for the better, yes, but it takes a lot of work, and you must be right with yourself before you can be right with another person. We all have baggage, but those of us who are confident in what we bring don’t often mesh with the person who just thinks they are ready. We all have demons from our past, but not everyone has come to terms with or dealt with them and that is when future problems can arise in relationships because even though the stuff you have experienced in your past may still hover over your new relationship, you don’t know how to control it to avoid mixing it in. Guard up or down some of us can’t hide what is truly beneath, some of us have great potential to be that ultimate match, but with some work. Remember I have said, we can’t control how other people act or react, or what they feel inside, but we can choose to brush it under the rug depending on the extent of the balance of their past with their present status and future intentions or we can choose to walk away until we are ready accept someone’s balance and integrate it into ours. But remember future intentions no matter how genuine can lead to empty promises, so be careful that what you are willing to put up with your future may or may not end up like promised, talking and doing are two different actions.

A harmonized, balanced person takes effort, when that person integrates someone who is still battling their past and hasn’t learned to balance it with their present can alter all the progress that person has already accomplished. Shocker, I am a fixer, I don’t like to see anyone struggle, I help when I can, I try to be patient, caring, kind and forgiving. I am encouraging but will also call you out on your bullshit. If I have learned anything in the last almost 2 years, is I am and will always be a giver, but I will not sacrifice who I am, my beliefs or wear myself down trying to help you get fixed. I will put 100% into someone who is trying to fix themselves, but I deserve more than bits and pieces of them while they are doing it. I owe it to myself to maintain my level of healing that I have already achieved and to continue to increase my happiness along the way. I don’t like to see someone struggle, my goal will always be to do as much as I can to help that person get ahead or feel loved or fix whatever is broken that is fixable.  I want to believe everyone is good and has potential. When helping someone no longer makes me happy getting them to happy, or they start to bring me down with them or pull me down while I am trying to push them up and it affects my current state or energy is when I know it is time to pull away and bring myself back to center. I know my worth and my value and when even though it can be appreciated it can also we taken advantage of and I vowed I would never allow that to happen because I respect myself and want to be not only a good example to the child I am raising to be a good adult, I also owe it to myself to stay happy, healthy and thriving.

My friend in Florida, a fellow widower, sent me a reel this morning of a lady who said sometimes people who come into your life who are fucked up and your job is not to save them, they were brought into your life to observe to provide a reflection so you can save yourself.-ladyspeech Let that register all you fixers out there like me who want to help and save everyone we can, I have a servants heart by design but I am confident using it should not be to my detriment and we aren’t meant to save everyone.

Previous traumas and things that don’t serve your current or future purpose should no longer take up space in your present- yours or anyone else's.  - danirae

 

This song came up yesterday in my suggestions for apple music- rather appropriate and timing is everything.

Nothing Left Halle Kearns Nothing Left Song

Someone somewhere probably needs me
Who would I be to let 'em down?
Ready to pick up whoever's calling
'Cause I'm too scared to think about
If I stop am I still worth loving, oh

So I'll give, and I'll give, and I'll give
You can take what you need from me
But I heard you wanted a forest
So I started planting the trees
Yeah, I'll give, and I'll give, and I'll give
'Til I'm running on empty
Yeah I'll give you everything I got
'Til there's nothing left of me

Soul's worn thin like the bottom of my old boots
Time for myself is a waste of time
But don't know when I added on all this pressure
To put their needs before mine
But I'm told this is why people love me
So if I stop am I still worth loving?

So I'll give, and I'll give, and I'll give
You can take what you need from me
Yeah, I heard you wanted a forest
So I started planting the trees
Yeah, I'll give, and I'll give, and I'll give
'Til I'm running on empty
Yeah, I'll give you everything I got
'Til there's nothing left of me

So I'll give, give, give
Give you strength 'til my body is weak
When your world is feeling too heavy
I'll put the weight on me
Yeah I'll give, and I'll give, and I'll give
Even though it's been killing me
Yeah I'll give you everything I got
'Til there's nothing left of me

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: David Asher Mescon / Kendall Grayson Brower / Halle Keams

Nothing Left lyrics © Speaker Full Of Seeker Music, Wyatt Road Publishing

Release, Rest, Receive, Repeat and Mountain Goats.

 

Last week in church the sermon centered around Habakkuk. I took some notes but all week I have went back to verse in 3:19 where it states, The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights. Surefooted… the definition in two parts is 1. unlikely to stumble or slip and 2. confident and competent.

I think in life we are all susceptible to stumbling, slipping, and sometimes lacking the confidence we need to be sure of ourselves and maybe we lack competence about certain things. This can be the result of past experiences as well as uncertainty or anxiety about our future. I would say this is completely normal. We can’t always anticipate most of what we will face or endure and that can be scary. There are always going to be hurdles and hiccups to overcome on our way to discovering our purpose and fulfilling that in the highest capacity that we can. Sometimes the journey can be made up of sheer cliff walls. The best example I can think of is going to Canyon Lake and seeing the rams on the sides of the cliffs ramming their heads together and jumping from rock to rock on the cliff walls. It probably wouldn’t cross your mind that they are thinking twice about their next move, they do it with agility and grace confident in their safety and land solidly planted on the next rock like nothing phased them. They can’t always see what is coming but they with sure feet make the move anyway. We can’t see the wind, but we can see the effects of it, and we believe that it is there.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we as humans had that faith consistently? Where we just took the leap, not worried about our future or what ramifications it could have. If we exercised the confidence of the deer or mountain goat that make these moves without hesitation. The Pastor reminded the congregation that we can’t always see what is coming, and sometimes it is sorrow, disappointments, and grief. But we can rejoice in the goodness surrounding us through it all.

A lot of you have heard me mention that I have dabbled in dating, I didn’t find a new soulmate in the first few guys I met after Steve and as much as I would like to say it has been extremely smooth, easy, wonderful, and positive, I would be lying! I have had some fun, frustrating and rather absurd experiences so far! So, unlike the surefooted animal who leaps without flinching there have been many uncertainties, questioning moments, and unbelievable moments, some I would even say funny! As the saying goes, sometimes what didn’t work out for you, worked out for you. A few of my close friends have told me I need to eventually write a book about it… you never know I just might. I am keeping track and writing things down, so stay tuned. It just might make the best-seller list! HAHA! 

Right now, I am happy and look forward to seeing where my life and experiences takes me with those who are part of it. I am asking God for his guidance, asking him to humble me, placing my faith in what I know my heart deserves, and choosing to enjoy the journey, the good, the bad, the waves, the pending uncertainties, anxieties, new experiences with pure intentions and authentic energy and see where it takes me.  Anticipating that everything my heart deserves will come to me when the timing is right. What is meant to be shouldn't be difficult, everything good takes effort, but should come naturally. 

At first, I was hiding the fact that I have taken up an interest in dating, but it is hard to continue lying about these things. Does he need to know details absolutely not, but I want him to have the idea in the back of his mind that he might meet someone someday, and it is better to get him used to that idea now then spring it upon him. Paxton’s stance on the situation: He acknowledges that I am dating, he isn’t extremely supportive or happy about it, but he knows he really can’t do much about it. I told him that I would not introduce him to someone unless I was certain they may stick around for the future so he didn’t get attached to someone, he told me even if the guy was the #1 roper in the world he wouldn’t want to be his friend and definitely wouldn’t get attached to him (to be honest, we are all human and can get attached without even realizing it, so I took the comment with a grain of salt.) Although I will most assure you that I would have Steve’s blessing, I don’t have Paxton’s right now and you know what that is ok. I am not replacing his dad, and in my heart, I know that, and I think he ultimately does too, no matter what is going on in his head. It is a step in the right direction, and I know that first and foremost he wants his mom to be happy, but he is still young and doesn’t quite understand my wants and needs. He lacks that surefooted faith. And maybe I do, a little bit too but my faith is stronger than my doubts.

We all face new adventures in life, we are all uncertain at times. We all make mistakes, stumble along the way, have faults and move forward. If you are doing so with the best intentions even if something goes awry you can be confident in your journey, surefooted in your step and appreciate the things that contribute to who you become. A lot of us live for an end goal, but what does that look like and who really knows when the end is? Shouldn’t we always learn, grow, and better ourselves? I think so! The only end goal worth focusing on is not of this world. So, sit back and enjoy the journey, embrace it, appreciate the steps, stumbles, and eye-openers but be surefooted in your decisions along the way. There should be no regrets, only learning experiences. Release the negative, Rest in between, Receive the blessings intended for you, and Repeat as necessary.

Sometimes you have to restart your plan. Begin again. All over again. As many times as it takes. So you can make it where you need to go. Failures happen. Mistakes are part of the journey. The goal is to not live a perfect life- the goal is to live a life of purpose. / topher kearby