When We Fall Apart

 

One month ago today I woke up to a phone call at 3 o’clock in the morning that said you are approved to come and if I was going to come I better come now. He could live for two more hours or two more days but they weren’t certain. 

I called his sister and met her and their mom at the hospital.  Seeing his mom touch his face and tell him how much she enjoyed having him as a son was so hard. No one wants their child to die before them and no one expects to lose a spouse at such an early age. 

Did my mom go through this when I was a teenager, yes, I have a good example of what it is like but being in her shoes is a whole different level of hard, I was teenage girl who lost her father and still had her mom, Paxton is a pre-teen boy who lost his hero, his mentor and his best friend. 

Loosing a spouse is so much different than loosing a parent and having to deal with grieving yourself and being responsible for a child who is grieving at the same time but maybe in a different way or different times is also challenging. 

Not many people know what to say but “you will get through this” seems to be the most common response. This is ok because people in general want to be comforting but from the personal experience of currently going through this I want to yell back “yes I know I am strong and yes I know I’ll get through this, I’ve been through a ton of heartbreak in my young 42 years but widow isn’t one that I wanted to add to the list and just because I will get through this doesn’t mean I want to have to.” 

Yesterday started as a good day, baseball on the west side, friends to share it with… and then sadness and anger crept in for Paxton on our ride home… I have to give myself the grace that anything can change at any moment and be ok with things not going along as planned. At least for a little while. I can probably tell you that I am more often than not one of the most positive people who can find the silver lining in almost everything. I just have to let myself the time to know that that isn’t always necessary in every situation, sometimes I’ll just need to give us the time to grief without judging myself or having ridiculous expectations. It is okay to get down as long as we don’t take up residence there. 

After he fell asleep in the car this song came on… I have heard it numerous times since Steve was in the hospital and although the artist wrote it about his mom who died in her 40’s the chorus rings true. 

This is the begging of my journey and I look forward to sharing it with you. 

For Paxton:

Lyrics by Ryan Stevenson When We Fall Apart

All the hopes and dreams we used to talk about

They're still alive in me and I just hope I make you proud

Now I'm your legacy

And it's your love still holding me together

It's okay to cry

It's okay to fall apart

You don't have to try

To be strong when you are not

And it may take sometime to make sense of all your thoughts

But don't ever fight your tears

'Cause there is freedom in every drop

Sometimes the only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart

Sometimes the only way to heal a broken heart

Is when we fall apart

And you've got the gift of mercy

Don't ever think it's strange

Not a curse, but it is a blessing to feel other people's pain

And always love without condition

And trust with all your heart

There's healing in the story of your scars