To wake up in a panic of anxiety is never welcoming. My dreams were heavy and I felt like they were so REAL! I watched my husband die over 6 weeks ago, yet I woke up from a dream so real that I felt I was in a Sci-fi movie, and I don't even watch those so I have very limited knowledge of them. He was "hidden" away by someone for months and everyone thought he was dead, I discovered him in an abandon house and he was breathing on his own but not awake, I sat with him for a few days and he woke up, his face was distorted but it was him. Then his face was normal so we made a video to tell everyone that he really wasn't dead and that he survived the last few months and was glad to be back. In the middle of the video he was completely a different person he started dancing and singing (LOL) and then I woke up! Wow! Talk about racing heart upon waking. My sleep was not good for the rest of the night/morning!

I didn't know that the Friday he chose to be put on the ventilator that would be the last time we spoke to one another, he was scared but he wanted a fighting chance to survive, the pain from the blood clots in his lungs was more than I can even imagine it would be. When he told me he had excruciating pain, in 23 years I had never known him to even have that word be a part of his vocabulary so I know he was in a lot of pain! His breathing worsened instead of getting better and he just wanted to try to allow the machine to breath for him so his body could relax and heal, at that time I had no idea that would be the last time we spoke to one another, that the lasts words I would speak to him or him me would have been "I love you" but they were and I am glad for that. How often have we left a conversation in haste, harsh words exchanged or something open ended? It amazes me in looking back the arguments that evolved at times that were never resolved until later. No apologies exchanged or forgiveness given at the time it all went down. All of us think we have time to make up later, simmer down or fester over our anger and hurt. We take for granted that we can share our true feelings, talk it out or make up later. Sometimes there is not a later. Don't rely on one. Talk through and resolve your issues when you have the chance. Make your feelings known and make sure to allow that person to express their true feelings as well, and truly listen. If there is an opportunity for you to change for the better, make note of it.

There are so many things that were left unsaid, so many opportunities that I had to thank him more for the things that he had done for Paxton and I, so many more chances to share praise, goals, dreams and memories that I will never be able to create now, but he left this world knowing that I loved him, and him I, and that is what truly will carry me through the rest of my life without him. I am so grateful for all the things he had accomplished and took notes on so that I am set up for success for Paxton and I's future. Life is short and you may regret the last conversation, argument or aura that you left with someone. Don't wait until it is to late to reach out, re-connect or forgive. I am not sure how unsettling it would have been if our last conversation didn't end the way that it did.