Remember I am writing as my therapy. To perhaps reach out to someone who needs to feel ok with what they are going through based off my raw, uncensored experiences. I am not writing for validation from anyone that what I am doing is ok, because what is ok for me may not be for someone else. I am just sharing my journey.
This week I dropped Paxton off at Steve's friend Stacy's ranch in Prescott to work, experience ranch life, rope, ride and have some fun guy time! I was a tad bit apprehensive taking him because he has never really liked to stay away from home ever since he was little. He will stay a a couple friend's houses and his aunts, but I remember a year or two ago Steve and I having to pick him up at 11:00 at night from his grandparents house. This time he would be 2.5 hours away from home. Something in the back of my mind told me he would be fine but I still had that little bit of doubt and prepared myself that if I got home and had to turn around to go back it would be ok. I stayed for dinner before I drove back and he called me at 9:30 to tell me he was going to bed.
Coming home to an empty house (besides the animals) for the first time since Steve went into the hospital at the beginning of August was a little overwhelming. My monitor in my master closet wasn't working for our security cameras since Tuesday when it just went black. When I walked in the house I felt a peace and had no problem falling asleep. I actually slept really good and woke up refreshed and ready to start my day.
Friday I worked most of the day. Friday was 5 weeks since Steve passed away. I looked forward all week to going out to dinner and a few drinks with a friend for her birthday, not having to worry about where Paxton was. Our 5:00 birthday departure got pushed to 6:30 and then it was 7:00 by the time we were heading out. When I was getting ready and then waiting I had a very weird feeling about going out. It wasn't anxiety per se at first or even guilt, but just a feeling of being inappropriate maybe, I mean my husband just died and I am going out with a bunch of girls for a fun time. I actually checked in with a couple of my widow friends, both who encouraged me to do me and don't feel obligated to do anything but it was ok to go. My birthday friend's son drove us and in the car on the way there I feel like I almost had an anxiety attack, I almost cried twice, I got hot and sweaty and I couldn't help but think I should have drove myself or not went at all. I wanted to go and celebrate my friend and have a good time but I felt like my stomach was upside down. I felted trapped but seriously didn't want to talk about it, I was already feeling like I shouldn't be "partying" in my situation anyway.
I text a friend on the ride to have an out and ride home if I couldn't handle it. I am sure I could have taken an Uber or Lyft, but I never have and not sure I would have felt comfortable with that either. I made up my mind to at least do dinner and maybe excuse myself right after.
The Rabbit Hole in Gilbert, a speakeasy, password required underground place mimicked after the secret bars of the 1920's during prohibition was super cute inside, but also dark and very loud, they placed us in a true to era little section of chairs and couches with a coffee table in between, it was super hard to visit with everyone, and they were playing rap music. (later I asked the waitress this out of curiosity, she said that is what the weekend crowds like, otherwise they play more jazzy music- weird rap just didn't match the atmosphere) They had appetizer like food that wasn't anything I would give 5 stars to.
We had some drinks and I felt a little more relaxed and at ease, this wasn't so hard. A little food, drinks and conversations among girls. Stuff I would be doing if Steve was alive anyway. Why wouldn't he want me to celebrate one of my best friends who has been there for me through this whole experience! We were off to Whiskey Row with a few of the girls and they had a live band, we hung out and watched ASU football and we danced and laughed and acted silly. The pain will never go away but the way I cope with it will get easier. As we were standing listening to the music I heard it, the beat... she started singing I Love Rock and Roll by Joan Jett- Steve's favorite song. I got out my phone and videoed it. Why? Because he was letting me know it was ok. Okay to take care of myself, okay to have fun and okay to move forward in his memory but not apprehensive about how, when and what I am doing to move forward in my journey, it is MY journey and no one can know what I am experiencing no matter how similar our circumstances.
Saturday again waking up with a list in my head of all these things to accomplish. I don't think we have mowed our front lawn in 3 weeks. Steve used to mow every 3 days. Is it embarrassing yes, it has never looked so bad. This lawn is not my passion it was his and I need to be ok with doing something else that is right for me and not a sense of obligation to maintain his expectations, I am not nor will I ever be him, and you know what that is okay. A lot of his hobbies were true to him. I love fruit and I will do everything in my power to maintain the orchard. He loved to garden, I love to reap the benefits of what he grew but I am not the meticulous gardener, not a green thumb. Do I have space to plant things to harvest if I choose to? He set me up for that. Do I have an obligation to continue to grow stuff, not at all. I have hobbies of my own that I want to pursue and I shouldn't expect to pursue mine and maintain all of his at the same time while working full time and raising a son who has a lot of hobbies himself.
I went to a former clients garage sale, they are moving to TN, then off to check on flooring for the orchard I want to finish for him, then to order the orchard furniture we discussed putting in the orchard- I want to be done by Thanksgiving to be able to celebrate his finished product that he has been working on for the past few years. Someplace to go and escape and be at peace with nature, the comfy couch he envisioned where I could escape my day and read a book, a table to gather with family and friends. I ended up at his best friend's house to drop off a fishing hook urn necklace I ordered for him and 9.5 hours later I was on my way home. I hung out with his family and felt loved. Do I have a list of stuff that still needs accomplished, you betcha, did I do what I needed to do for me this weekend, you betcha... the rest will get done in due time and nothing was more important than taking care of myself, and being exactly where I needed to be to accomplish that.
Remember that sometimes our to do lists do not match our needs and most of the things we think we need to do with in a certain amount of time match expectations that we think others have for us based off of a need to please or maintain a social status of what is expected of us based on what we have previously displayed as a responsible life or a status quo.
I am me, it is okay to be me, I have a child who I am responsible for and we will make decisions based off of what is right for us now and going forward. I love all of our friends and family and everyone means well, but I made a promise to myself during all of this that the journey we are on is unique to us and I am happy to take the wise words, suggestions and advise from others around us, but I will only make decisions based on Paxton and I's needs, experiences and circumstances. And there is nothing I have to apologize about for that.
John 16:33 NIV
33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
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