Last week was a ride I shall say. From a very downer Monday... to breezing through Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday with a happy heart and thoughts and minimal sadness. Friday not such a great story... both Paxton and I had our moments. He didn't make it through the school day and I couldn't get myself to the event I was looking forward to for a few weeks. It is almost as if once the sadness sets in you can't shake it sometimes. Grief is such a funny beast. You can be totally fine one moment and cry into your guacamole the next. Sometimes it is hard to pull yourself back up. Yesterday was one of those days.
The boys had a rough go this weekend with baseball and just couldn't get themselves together. Paxton had some great moments. He caught really well, but his hitting wasn't up to his standards. He still had a double, a walk and a single, but this was accompanied by several strikeouts and groundouts. I will tell you he is the worst combination of Steve and I as far as being hard on ourselves! After Saturday's game when they were having the team discussion he got in the car very upset. Everything he did had an edge on it. We discussed what was going on.. he caught the whole second game, had an amazing throw down to second that got the player out that I actually caught on video... (I posted this on my FB page) and he played pretty solid. The coach actually made an example of him and another player on his team and their great attitudes when pointing out the players whose attitudes needed a little improvement. So why the big shift... Come to find out as they were sitting listening to the coaches at the end, a man walked by with a black chair like the one Steve always brought to the game to sit in and watch when his role shifted from coach to supportive parent and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Steve. My heart seriously sank you guys! That split second of hope and wishing can really change your day. I have been there plenty of times over the years and I know pretty darn well how he was feeling. I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and love on him. With tears in his eyes I told him it was natural and that might happen often, but it reminds him that even though he cannot talk back, he is inside our hearts to stay and so many things will bring us those wonderful memories to reflect on.
Yesterday morning his attitude was good, they lost and he came home to hang out with friends. He seemed to have a great day! I on the other hand....was making guacamole and my mind shifted to our Sunday's at home with no where to go, or early baseball games that ended and we were home before noon to hang out around the house and I immediately had the thought of ALL the times Steve could persuade me to make cookies even if I had a list of other chores I needed to do... (milk chocolate chip was almost always his choice -light chips lol- I wanted to dump the whole bag in them but he liked his cookies with just a few, he loved to eat the dough so I always saved some just for him), just because, just because he had a sweet tooth and just because he liked my cookies. This turned into a major 1 hour crying event where I just wished I could wake up and it was the next day! The reality of him never coming back and how much I just needed to feel his touch really shakes my soul. I am not going to just wake up from the 7 week dream and all is right in my world.
With Paxton it is almost like we need to be on a schedule of good days and bad, rather than switching off and all days are sad... but anyhow this is way beyond our control at this point. Some may say you can always change your attitude, your outlook and find the positive in things... but I didn't lose something, I didn't wreck my car, I wasn't late for something where I could say that I missed getting into an accident by leaving 5 minutes later to try and find the good in my negative. I didn't stub my toe or break a finger I didn't lose the game or miss an event... I freaking lost the love of my life and that is up there at the top in the scale of tragic events that even though I could put on a smiley face, celebrate the time we had together, look for the silver lining and move on with our lives... right now I don't want to and you know what- that is OK. I am OK. I am not weird, or depressed or out of control, I am responding just as I need to to make sense in my brain. I can listen to all the advice of others and take what I need and make it my own, I can read books and see therapists and be told what can help. This isn't a problem to fix... there isn't a magic pill to make it go away, there is a journey I am taking to make the rest of my life here on Earth worthwhile. I am not going to suddenly be cured, I am just going to learn to live with what I have experienced and how to be happy in a different way. Not everything has to have a silver lining, not everything is meant to teach us a lesson or be removed in order for something better to come along. I don't want something better to come along. Sometimes life sucks and crap happens and we move forward with what we have now, we don't move on and get better we just moved forward and be.
For now this is my take on it. But remember this is a journey that you are taking with me and since I have never experienced losing a spouse I don't know what happens next and neither do you. I look forward to making my journey unique and also maybe helping a few others cope along the way. Just know whatever you are going through at this stage in your life it is unique to you. Your experience is not going to be the same as someone else. Don't let anyone judge what you are feeling. My mom always said feelings are neither right nor wrong, it is just how you feel. How to react to those feelings, how you let them affect the overall picture of your life or how you treat other people is what you can control. Just remember you can get down, you can have a moment, a day or even a season where you just fall apart... just don't live the rest of your life there. Life is too short and you are going to miss so much if you do.
Here is to Monday morning of a new week. Let's go experience LIFE!
Life is the most difficult exam, many people fail because they try to copy others, not realizing everyone has a different question paper.
No one is you, and that is your superpower.
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