day 76

So I think I am slacking on this gratefulness in writing and it is starting to show. I think just like anything when things start to get better you sometimes neglect what you did to get there, and then all goes chaotic again. It isn't that I am not thankful, it isn't that I am not thanking God every morning and night and sometimes during the day for the blessings he bestows upon me, I just think that when I actually put it in writing I am truly acknowledging the presence of God and my gratefulness for the blessings before me.
So here I go again on this feat to try and jot down my thoughts during the day and to put it into words at night to make me accountable for my actions, for my reflection of the day.
Today was sort of a hard day, it had many ups and downs and I think my mood was really established by what went on throughout the day and the interrupted sleep I experienced again last night. I think that instead of shaking off something I held on to the bitterness of many things from the last couple days, even though I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I really can blame female hormones or pills or my cycle..... sometimes I think it is this evil thing that plots against you just enough to make others(especially boys) think you are just nuts enough to be committed. (to an institution, lol)
It really shows that I am human and need to remind myself from time to time of my promises to improve my quality of life and my outlook on situations, my ability to let go, my ability to not let things weigh on me and to do my best to display and feel a positive outlook on life, to show my family a good example and to not let things upset me so much. It really is hard sometimes and my feelings are hurt and I am sure I hurt others from time to time and for that I am truly sorry. Like I have said before I don't really think it is anyones intention to hurt someone else, most people are not vindictive that way.
And I need to remind myself that as much as I don't intend on hurting others, they probably don't intentionally hurt me either.
Most people do the things they do and make the decisions they make out of love and genuine caring. Not everyone agrees to the same things or ways that things should be done, should we respect others thoughts feelings and ways? You betcha, but that doesn't mean we always have to agree with them. No matter what the relationship, mother/daughter; son/mother; father/son; daughter/mother-in-law; parent/child; husband/wife; teacher/student; boss/employee... but it is important that we share with that other person how we feel, what we want and where to go from the point of disagreement. If we are all on the same page, if we can make a compromise or listen to what the other person feels the reason for their decision or choice is, I think it would make us a lot more open in communication and less scared of sharing our true feelings. We need to put it out there, to express our feelings and to understand that feelings are not right or wrong, they are just feelings, we may not agree with the way someone feels, but we can't change that they feel that way. We can only be more responsible for our own self and know that the only person we can truly change is our self and we need to respect the feelings of others, even if we don't agree that they should feel that way.
I need to recognize that I cannot be all things to all people and no one should expect me to be, God doesn't and I shouldn't. I shouldn't get so mad at myself or feel guilty because I can't always be the one to help out, the one to say yes, the one to say and do the right thing at the right time for everyone, no matter how badly I want to accomplish this, it isn't truly realistic. I can only do my best and know that my best should be good enough, because if I continue to get wrapped up in doing it all and doing it all right, it will just turn out to be more of a mess than I ever truly intended and for that I need to recognize when to slow down, when to say no, how to be respectful of others and how to teach others that I am a loving and gentle person who only wants what is best for those around her and loves everyone and should love them unconditionally, all of the time, and teach them to be the same way with me... now that is the hard part, because like I said I can only really change me, I can lead by example or let others know how I want to be treated, but that doesn't mean they will respect me or go along with my request, but it is worth a shot.
It is our calling to treat every human being with grace and dignity, to treat every person, whether encountered in a palace or a gas station, as a life made in the image of God. -Sheila Walsh