Laughter... that is what is really getting me through this. And lots of considerate people, who just want to see me happy. Something so little in the grand scheme of things, but if you can keep me entertained, I am winning. Every time I have a chance to smile and laugh, I am reminded that I will be ok and able to live with this.
Being surrounded by people is what is helping Paxton and I through this. Activities to do, memories to make, reflections to take, friends and family and of course LOVE. I need people to understand, my brain is not functioning like it normally would, I don't always remember everything I do, say or have to do or offer to do for that matter, who I said what to or have already told or didn't tell something to, my brain is fogged. Please don't hesitate to remind me. Sometimes I will want to participate and do things and sometimes I will not. Don't stop asking. Just know right now, most things have to be on my time at my comfortability level and just doing things or inviting me to things goes a lot further in my happiness book then open invitations to lunch, coffee, wine when I am "ready" or asking me what I need... Just ask me to do something, give me a time or show up and help me with something. I am probably not going to call to arrange a "hang out" date when I am "ready". Whatever that means... ready for what...to not be sad anymore, to not cry every day at some point, to be back to '"normal" to be over my grief? These things may never happen... So just plan something and I will try my best to come, and talk to me about other things than how I "am doing".
Paxton needs friends, and the most for people to treat him normal. He mentioned to me the other day, he wished people would talk to him like they did before his dad died. Just ask him about baseball or fishing or roping, not about how he is doing, or is he holding up? Asking the questions with an emphasis that makes him seem sad, or that they feel sorry for him. He just wants people to make him feel like a normal kid, even though right now he may not feel like one. Sometimes people can tend to make him feel worse when they act concerned verses encouraging.
He is going fishing this weekend with friends, and I was nervous at first if he would want to go at all... he has struggled with things that he and his dad did together and I have struggled not trying to push him and let him do life as he needs to to process this and his future going forward. He was in the boat trying to decide if he uses his dad's stuff.... He was hesitant so I asked what he was thinking. He said, " well, I am not sure if I should use dad's rods, I guess they are mine now, it's not like he is going to use them anymore. " I fought back my tears and encouraged him that his dad would want him to use them if he wanted to and there was no one better than him to use them, so why not. He proceeded to pick two out of the boat, both Steve's and he seemed satisfied. This made my heart warm and I was proud of him for making this decision. Saturday may be a hard day for him but I hope the crisp morning, the wind in his face as the boat glides across the water and the company of he and his dad's friends will be enough to carry him through. I hope he enjoys himself and doesn't come home empty handed. Catching something will certainly boost his ego as well as his spirits.
No one knows how to be or act or what to say most of the time when someone dies. No one else is going through or reacting the way that we are so nothing is expected of people to know what to say and everyone means well, but sometimes things can be taken a certain way personally because it isn't what we are feeling at the time.
That is the best thing about communication and allowing others in to your life and what is ok for you, how you want to be treated and what to expect. Never feel bad for telling someone how you need to be treated to react in a way that positive or effective. We all absorb things and react differently, and it is safe to say assuming what others are thinking or want never gets us very far if it isn't what is really happening or what we need, so why not just spell out how we want to be treated to those who love us the most anyway.
Life is like fishing, sometimes it is all about the bite whether you catch anything or not, if you are using the right equipment for the time, what the weather conditions are, who you are with, the time of day, season, year... and so much more. Embrace your experience.
Fishing teaches you to practice patience and perseverance, deal with loss, problem solving skills, friendly competition, being aware of your surroundings and most of all being present. (be present in the moment enjoy where you are and what you are doing, the beauty surrounding you and the company you share.)
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