If you have read my previous blogs you know that it took what felt like forever to move Steve's shoes from the bedroom floor, all 4 pairs of them right there in the middle of the walkway to outside. I just couldn't touch them until one day I could and I shoved them in the closet.
It has now been 4.5 months since he stepped foot inside this house and walking in and of my closet sometimes numerous times a day I was at my breaking point. I just could not stand to look at all of his clothes and shoes that he would not wear again, EVER. Just there, unorganized, things draped over other things, nothing hung in order or folded properly. You see my side of the closet is a little messy because of the lack of space, but it is color coordinated and I don't often have a hard time finding what I am looking for. His side on the other hand... I actually re-organized, folded and rehung his clothes every few months just because that little bit of OCD in me it got to be too much. This was no different except he isn't here. My re-organization skills were bursting to get started. I asked Paxton if he minded, he said no...
Reminder that when my mom died almost 7 years ago she was renting a house whose year lease was up in 21 days from the day she passed away and I really had no choice but to organize and purge. Keep what is important, throw away the junk and let someone else enjoy the good stuff that still has "life" in it.
I was determined to get it all done at one time, no dragging this out into multiple days!
I cried A LOT. He isn't here, he isn't coming back, this isn't fair and I didn't ask for this, but this is what I have been handed. I am still here and I need to do what makes me comfortable, happy, and encouraged. I mostly did it alone and when Cyndee came over to pick up her daughter she held open bags for trash or donations and listened to me cry until I was done ( quite a few much needed Veterans might need these clothes, shoes, socks - thanks Megan for the suggestion and offering to pick it all up).
I was sad, angry and relieved all at the same time. There were 14 pairs of pants or shorts with tags still on them... 1 shirt. He was a man who always liked to be prepared, and also when he liked something bought multiples of it... I wished I did that with my favorite lipstick color years ago that they have since discontinued, I swear I have tried 4-5 since then with no real luck in getting the same shade.
I saved a few things Paxton wanted, some sweatshirts and tee shirts he always wore and his golf cleats and his leather coat (you never know when that will be in style, it may also make a nice dress up coat if Paxton needs one down the road), I saved his snow clothes to take to the cabin, you never know when someone who comes, may need something warmer. We saved all of his baseball caps, I am sure we can do something with these- he wore baseball caps a lot and I couldn't part with them, they went into a bag though so I don't have to look at them everyday. Everything else filled up in layers in my bathtub awaiting new owners to don it. I threw away all dingy, stained, worn socks and shoes etc. This filled up both my garbage cans. I think my husband was a bit of a hoarder... I contemplated asking friends if they wanted any of his good stuff, jackets, coats, etc. and decided that I just couldn't handle asking around, waiting for people to come get it, try it on, what if it didn't fit, on to the next person and so on as it lingered in my house taking up space... and not sure I could handle seeing it on someone we know or see on a regular basis anyway... so donating is the best thing I can do and then it is out of here.
Several weeks ago, my niece and I cleaned out my office (bedroom 4) and tried to adapt a lot of it into my closet, so Paxton could make bedroom 4 a teen room for now to hang out with friends. This just made me even more agitated every time I walked into my closet in disarray, with all the "extra" stuff as well. After purging last night I was ready to re-organize and make the closet my own, which ultimately it is, I am on my own now and it should be exactly the way that I would feel joy every time that I walk in.
Maybe you lost a loved one and hanging onto their stuff long term is what you need, and that is ok. I can't stress enough that everyone grieves differently, but in my case, this purging and cleansing is exactly what I needed, and that is ok.
Who would have thought you could feel joy in a closet? But that is exactly what I feel.
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
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