The last week has been full of it's ups and downs. To catch you up to speed from my mishap Monday. If you didn't catch it you might need to back up on my blog a few days. My Tuesday morning post was not so positive. Tuesday was Paxton's turn. I fought him to go to practice. He wanted me to stay and watch I told him no. He said "dad would stay" I said " I'm not your dad."
Let me just tell you I love my kid to death, I would just about do anything ever for him, but I can and will not give into every request he has, I will not let him guilt me into something. It has to feel right to me. I am not going to be a pushover and I really need some me time every once in a while. I don't want to sound selfish to anyone, but I really don't think I am being selfish. I need to take care of me too. We are both grieving and I cannot possibly spend 24/7 with him all the time. He called me just about an hour or so after I left him that he had a stomach ache and thought he might throw up. This happens sometimes when he has to go to the bathroom. I didn't want to call him a liar but my intuition knew it wasn't just a stomach ache.
I left where I was and picked him up early. He had just wanted me to stay, his dad would have, I didn't, he spent the whole amount of practice he was at reflected on the fact that his dad should have been there and he was not. He just wanted him there, one more time, for one more hug, for one more "good job buddy, nice hit, great block...etc" And you know what, so do I. All I could say is "me too." I offered ice cream (that is what my friend Shannon always told me worked when the kids were mad at you or you screwed up), when he accepted I knew it wasn't really a stomachache from being sick, just heartbroken. The Dairy Queen drive-thru was like 15 or more cars deep and he didn't want to wait and inside was closed, so we actually skipped it.
We all handle grief differently, and therefore I am not going to say I wasn't a little disappointed in his white lie, because I am sure his stomach did hurt in a way that probably did make him feel like he would throw up, but not for the reasons most would think of or necessarily the one he implied, but I wasn't about to punish him for it. I did tell him I was sorry that his dad wasn't here to be there watching, to cheer him on, to yell at him for his mistakes and encourage him to do better- I did not however apologize for not staying at his practice, because my night too was cut short.
Wednesday we had a Paxton and mom day. We spent the day hanging out together, we went to lunch and dinner- ran some errands, finally took Steve’s wedding ring to get sized to fit my thumb- and did some random acts of kindness (I'll leave you with that or they wouldn't be random if I told you what we did.) It is good for him to see even in the midst of our grief, we can still take care and be compassionate for others. These life lessons will remain with him well into adulthood and I hope that he too can do nice things for strangers without expecting anything in return or any acknowledgement for his acts other then his interior sense of satisfaction.
Today I got a beautiful Christmas bouquet of flowers, from an anonymous friend. I love flowers and this sure put a smile to my face. Tonight he decided to go with me to Cookies and Cocoa with Santa, the event I have organized and done at the school for the last 7 years. I figured he was just a little too old to get in the spirit, he didn't go last year, but he really wanted to go this year, we argued over practice (my niece was suppose to take him) and I remembered how he mentioned that even though he didn't believe in the Elf or Santa anymore it was still okay if they came, and that the Elf didn't have to have a rhyming note every morning, the note could just say where to look for him- this reminded me that Christmas spirit is a sense of peace to which gives you hope. I want to do whatever I can to renew his hope and spirit and if this includes going back to traditions that fill his life with the magic of Christmas then so be it for me to renew those child-like wishes! Our kids do tend to grow up fast, and if one year he reverts back to the innocent little kid he once was, I am really ok with that. He went with me and he was super helpful, with setup, the cookie booth, putting things away and helping his principal take all the trash to the big dumpster. I was very proud of him tonight, he was right where he needed to be for his sense of well being, and missing one practice, even though it was right before his tournament, I feel helped set his mind in the right frame to play his best this weekend. I strongly feel if I would have forced him to go- the outcome may be different.
So as of tomorrow the Elf will return, I will move him around, put a note on his door and he will come with a gift or a pay it forward task for Paxton, as he normally would. In hopes that this little bit of joy, will help him have a little bit more faith, a little more to smile about and a little more sense of feeling loved this season! We will surely not have amazing days everyday, but we are in this together and we will do it our way, and hopefully we will have more good days then bad this holiday season. I know I am sure going to try.
From my Christmas card to you;
Wishing you the Spirit of Christmas, which is Peace
The Blessing of Christmas which is Hope,
From the Heart of Christmas which is Christ.
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