Driving home from taking my brother to the airport this morning, I was blessed to be driving East as the sun was rising. It was breathtaking, this picture doesn't do it justice. I woke up to another day of life. It made me realize what a gorgeous world we live in, if we stop to take the beauty in, instead of always dwelling on the junk, bad and lack of what we have. What an amazing time to be in the car by myself and reflect on the last week before Christmas. The first Christmas without Steve. We have had great friends who have occupied us with a multitude of activities leading up to Christmas and it has been a nice distraction.
Having my brother in town definitely helped keep us distracted, we did fun things, went to two movies, attended Christmas Eve services, laughed, cooked, made pierogies,(a family tradition) baked and enjoyed each others company... I can add in cried, but that was mostly just me... It was a good mix of awful and awesome all shoved into 4 days.
The highlight of his trip was the Barbie doll gifted to me from him. After 30+ years of giving him a hard time for taking off my Barbie heads as a kid, and that they never quite fit right after they were removed- It really made me smile and laugh and lifted my spirits, more than he probably intended to. I now have a intact Barbie doll to share with my granddaughter someday- God willing I have one, along with the Barbies. I saved whose head's have previously been removed. I'm sure the story will go down in History. LOL, it is the little things that make me happy, I am pretty easy to please.
Coming home to a boy whose uncle has left and his best friend is out of town, I just had a feeling he was going to have an off day. Just like the feeling I get when someone comes for a few days and leaves, or we are distracted by activities and then all of a sudden there are days of quietness. I sure didn't realize how much Steve and I really talked, shared or communicated that when it is so quiet it is weird. It is definitely still somewhat of a roller coaster that we are on but a little less stressful than the one we experienced those 8 days at home he was sick and 28 days in the hospital before Steve died.
The back to "normal" this is our life now, what do we do next feeling. How do we cope? What is the next thing that will make us sad, frustrated, alone or even make us laugh, be happy and smile? Just like life before Steve's death, most things we do are unpredictable. Many things are beyond our control, many things we just can't prepare for. We just have to take the ride, and experience the journey. Sometimes it will be smooth and other times rocky, sometimes we will be on an ultimate high and some times we are going to make mistakes or have crappy emotional days. Everything we have experienced thus far and everything that we will continue to experience will help shape us into the people we will become. Hopefully people who are quick to serve others, people who are loving and kind and continue to value life as a precious gift where we have a purpose to fulfill and we give it the best we can.
Sometimes he struggles with the stuff they did together. Hopefully I can convince Paxton that even though his dad is gone the things he loves are still his passion and his dad wouldn't want him to quit or give up anything that important, he needs to carry them out in his honor, not focus on being sad that he isn't here to share them. He needs to understand his purpose hasn't been fulfilled and he must love life here the best he can despite his losses, and obstacles because one day it will bring him to an eternal life far beyond our greatest expectations.
So as we get back into work, school, baseball, house projects and all the "normal" activities pray that our experiences and journey are more smooth than frustrating, that we are continuing to learn and grow and love ourselves and others and that we are staying focused on discovering what God has planned for our lives to fulfill our purpose.
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