I am sure most of you have a “side of the bed”. After years of sleeping on the same side of the bed it seems weird when you have to sleep on the opposite side at some point for some reason if you even have.
Now that I’m by myself a lot I have a lot of time to think and random thoughts pop in my head sometimes. I was just thinking the other day about when I was growing up what side of the bed I slept on. It was not the same side of the bed that I’ve slept on once Steve became part of my life. Somehow when that special someone slips into your life, it is easy to make a new side of the bed yours.
As I was laying in bed a few days ago, I realized I was sleeping on his side of the bed. I was trying to remember over the last almost 5 months that he has not slept in our bed, when or why I moved over there. Because you know brain fog (it is really a thing) and all, I really had to think about it.
Thinking back to when Steve first went into the hospital and Paxton wanted me to lay with him every night. In his queen size bed piled up with two dogs and a cat, after a week or so it got too uncomfortable. So I suggested he come lay in my bed. He did not want to sleep on his father’s side of the bed. So I did.
The weekend that Pax went to our friends ranch up in Prescott in October he came back and slept in his own bed and slept there since. I have never moved back from Steve’s side of the bed. I honestly couldn’t tell you if it’s a sense of comfort or if I just reclaimed my original side of the bed… Or if it’s just because Piper is all curled up on my side by the time I go to bed and I don’t make her move…( she is kind of a grouchy bitch when she is sleeping). Whatever the reason when I do sleep I am comfortable.
It makes me miss the compromising relationship we did have. I am a pretty content person to see others happy and I did that a lot with him. If I didn’t have an adamant opinion one way or the other I didn’t make a stink about it. .Most of the time this is how relationships should be. We can’t always get what we want, love should be easy but tending to that love takes time, effort, and lots of compromise. Nothing and no one is perfect it is an investment.
Steve was a very detailed and visionary person when it came to projects and they always turned out nice. If you have ever been to our house you know this. I didn’t give a lot of input, not that he didn’t ask but I was grateful to have him decide and I would just enjoy the outcome. I miss the ability to make decisions with him or ask for his input , and while we didn’t always agree it’s pretty empty and a little stressful when you don’t have someone to bounce ideas off of that has been a stable figure for the last 23+ years. So if I ask any of you your thoughts please give me input, LOL.
Steves friend asked me a few weeks ago if I felt free making decisions not having to consult with anyone and my answer was not really. Something’s maybe, but not all. This will take some getting used to. I have had to make some decisions most recently where I really don’t have anyone who can just tell me what to do when I can’t decide, especially concerning money or Pax. And although I’m a pretty independent thinker I keep teasing to my friends that how independent can I really be having been with the same person since I was 19!
We definitely had our own interests and didn’t have to be on top of one another all the time and had an understanding that some things didn’t need a consultation by the other person first, but it’s sort of scary and a new territory to not have the option and to be completely honest I’m scared to make mistakes. But I know if I’m doing the right thing for Paxton and I no matter what I decide it will be the right choice at the time. And I just have to put my faith and trust in God that he will lead me down the path that we need to go, for us.
So just as I mixed up or reestablished my side of the bed depending on your perspective, I will continue to claim back my independence until I slowly feel comfortable making decisions on my own again. In the meantime if I ask for your opinion and you have one give it, but if I don’t necessarily take it don’t be offended, the end decision is still up to me.
Proverbs 15:22 Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.
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