I write for my healing and therapy, and with the hope that someone going through their own grieving situation may find comfort in knowing they are not alone. The thoughts they think and the things they do are not ridiculous or outrageous or taboo. Yesterday has to go down in my books as about one of the lowest days I have had so far. I didn't even know a person had this many tears. I cried more than the day Steve died, in fact more than I probably have any day thus far.
I woke up with the sad feeling I get on certain days, it is just there and some days no matter how hard I try, how positive I think or how much I try to distract myself with work or activities, it just does not go away. I actually haven't been able to shake this feeling to varying degrees since Thanksgiving morning.
The night before last Paxton had a rough go, a sad night and had a hard time sleeping. I didn't go to bed until after 1:30 originally having every good intention to join my friends at the gym at 6:00 AM. Something for just me, something to help me level out my mood, my stress, and my body... it has been years since I have went to a gym. I go on spurts of getting physical activity here and there but nothing as consistent as a gym for years. Steve and I were walking 3 mornings a week before he got sick, but that didn't last long.... and spiraled to where we are now with not a lot of consistency in between. Needless to say the alarm that went off at 5:20 got turned off.
The first person I talked to got an earful of tears, luckily she happened to be someone who lost her husband 6 years ago. I wanted to do a favor for her, but she understood I just couldn't, which made me feel even more terrible, because I normally would have, this new person who says no is taking some getting used to. Steve's aunt and uncle came to hang blinds I had ordered. One of them didn't fit, I also had another that was all mess up and it was frustrating because now I have to take them back and if they were just right in the first place...it wouldn't have to take extra effort, right now extra effort for me is exhausting.
I had one last Christmas decoration that I had forgot to put on top of my cabinets. I love to decorate all the cabinet tops and pot shelves with Christmas decor so that it is everywhere you look. I climbed up on my counter, something I have done for 8 years now with no problem..at every holiday I switch out decorations multiple times with no problem, yesterday had to be different! As I went to jump down the back of my shorts caught on the cabinet handle and instead of jumping I got hung up and ended up ripping the whole cabinet door off the cupboard, hinges an all - I fell on my knee, elbow and tailbone crashing to the floor. To make a long story short I ended up sitting on my kitchen floor sobbing uncontrollably for about 30 minutes while my poor 12 year old had to console me as if I just ran over our cat. He said "mom, it is just a cabinet door, we will get it fixed, it is ok, you are ok, we are going to be ok." These are the things I should be saying to him, not him me, but yesterday this was priceless. I needed his hug, his hand on my back rubbing it and his voice telling me I would be ok. We are in this together. I immediately was taken back 28 years to when my mom and I had to take turns consoling each other when my dad passed away. I recall her consoling me more than I her, and it just goes to show you how we as parents put our kids first, before our own needs. I don't remember her complaining as much as she could have been of all the things she had to do now that my dad was gone. She was wonder women in my eyes looking back although at the time it seemed normal, because she just did what she had to do. All the sacrifices she made for me reflecting back years didn't go unnoticed although they may not have been acknowledged at the time.
And this morning it is funny and I chuckle- because seriously I wished there were cameras in my house to capture my fall, the bruise on my butt in the mirror this morning just confirms how hard I fell. Like honestly why, what purpose did this little incident serve? How many times had I climbed on my counters will no issues, why did yesterday have to be different. And the fact that my cabinet maker had to confirm how he seriously has to make me a new cabinet door because that one isn't salvageable just goes to show you how truly crazy my life is right now because it couldn't just be as easy as hanging it back up right! I am sure no one will ask me where my cups are for awhile. LOL.
Yes I need to be the stronger one in most situations, but yesterday was just not that day. Yesterday I was grateful for Paxton! Probably more than he will ever realize. After I got up from the floor, my BFF came to rescue me. I laid in my bed sobbing with her forever. I do not know what I would do if she didn't live 5 minutes away. My other two besties live in Payson and Nebraska and I am so grateful for them as well, I just don't have the luxury of them living down the road like she does, and right now that is priceless!
I had a buyer back out of a deal, which just added to the mess of my day, Paxton couldn't get into his Spanish class for school, and all the little things added up. If I sent you to voice mail, I am sorry, but I just couldn't... I couldn't handle it. If I cried to you on the phone or in person, thank you for not making me feel stupid and just letting me be. I don't even think I can count the amount of times I cried, no makeup was ever applied and I wore ripped shorts well into the evening until I got a little cold and put lounge pants on. I just didn't care. And I never showered, because why???
I hope me being raw and real and vulnerable helps someone feel less uncomfortable or weird or awkward on what they are experiencing. That there truly is no normal, no right or wrong way to grieve. We each uniquely have a grieving process just like we each have a different number of hairs on our head, tint to our eyes, smile and personality. Accept who you are and how you are grieving. Take days to feel like shit and then pick yourself back up and start again when you are ready.
I have never been one to stay down or sit still for very long for that matter... so here is to today for a fresh start. The sun has risen, today is a new day and obviously God has a plan for me or I wouldn't still be here. I hope to make the rest of the week count, not only for those that I need to touch but for my healing heart as well. My heart may always be cracked, but with time the Band-Aid will get smaller and I am surrounded by people who will help me with that. I wished I knew how long that would be, I wished I could fast forward, because even though I like surprises and spontaneity to a degree, I am a planner... and I surely didn't plan this so it will definitely take some getting use to and lots of navigation through it.
I am off to a listing appointment that I hope to get, a house to put back on the market because I just couldn't save the deal, and another home that I have had listed for 6 months that I need to somehow creatively think of others ways to get it sold. I have to get ready for Cookies and Cocoa with Santa at the school on Thursday night that I sponsor and organize every year for the last 7, The holiday festival and light parade downtown Florence on Friday that Michelle and I are sponsoring face-painting and balloons, a family Paxton and I adopted with a little girl who is struggling with cancer to buy gifts for this week and a personal goal of lots of people to smile at whose smile in return will light my way.... here is to a new day I hope that will be filled with love, laughter and promise for our future.
I ask God that whatever you are struggling with today, he gives you the hope for your future that it will not always go this way. That you will find peace in his word and strength in the Holy Spirit who will guide you and help you find your way.
Romans 5- 3:5 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
She can fall apart one day and still rise up the next, Strong women feel pain, they just don't let it break them.
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