A Different Kind of Christmas

 I absolutely love decorating for Christmas! I was just as excited about it as any other year-Right after everyone left on  Thanksgiving I took down all my fall decorations and put them away to make room for Christmas! I wanted to feel the same spark I do every year. My friends came over on Friday, put up my Christmas lights on the roof where I didn't want to attempt to climb. That part was Steve's job. He was definitely not the Christmas decorator, but he did do the stuff I was scared to. They helped me get down all my decoration from the attic... not without a little teasing to the amount of containers I actually had... you might think I had a 5000 sq ft house... LOL... did I mention I love Christmas?! I told them no judging! But a little teasing produces a lot of laughter and that is definitely what I need. 

I did a little bit of decorating on my shelves on Friday before we went to PBR with friends and our kids. Saturday my intentions were to finish it all. That I did not anticipate to be as hard as it was. I guess so far nothing I have anticipated has been easy. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be, even with a positive outlook, sometimes the emotions just come no matter what. Remember grief is love with no where to go. 

I cried a lot more than I thought I would. Steve was not a decorator, but it did bring up a lot of memories while I was decorating like I normally would. Some other friends stopped by on Saturday when I was decorating and kept me company for a little while while I decorated. My lights that went up the day before never came on Friday night like I anticipated, they helped me figure out the timer, so it would work as if Steve himself set them up.  I broke some bulbs, my tree fell over, I cried a little as  I imagined Steve sitting in his recliner watching TV while I decorated the tree. They were there to help me through... I seriously love all the friends and support we continue to receive. Being loved is so important in this process. 

Here is a good example of how we all grieve differently and no judging of anyone should be allowed no matter the circumstances, no one actually knows how it affects us, no matter how similar the circumstances. A girl I most recently connected with, through a mutual friend, who also her husband about 6 months ago to a sudden heart attack posted on her page that she couldn't imagine not hanging her husband's stocking for Christmas. That she and her kids would love to receive cards, memories or stories about her husband to fill his stocking as she couldn't imagine it not full on Christmas morning... I on the other hand could not even imagine the thought of hanging Steve's stocking. As I sat and stared at it in the Rubbermaid container where it was, tears filled my eyes. I just couldn't hang it or look at it every day until Christmas and I couldn't imagine reading stories or memories being sent to me about him. I didn't ask Paxton his wishes, I just didn't hang it. He didn't say anything about it, so I am not going to even mention it not being there.  I think every time I looked at my fireplace I would burst into tears. And you know what that is ok I don't have to hang it if I don't want to. This is my personal journey and I have to do what works best for us in this process. 

I didn't put up everything I normally do, I didn't decorate as much as I am used to,  but I am satisfied that I decorated and happy with the simplicity of it. 

The true meaning of Christmas is the birth of Christ who came to save us from our sins and promise us eternal life in Heaven. The gifts, decorations, Santa, trees and fluff are all traditions made over the years to help celebrate this special occasion. This Christmas is still what that is all about, it is just a different kind of Christmas for me and Paxton. It will not lose its meaning. It will just be celebrated a little differently then that past. 

Paxton asked me about his Elf Tutti Fruit Loop coming this year. He said mom, I know he isn't real and I don't believe anymore, but can he still come? You can just write a note to find him each morning, I promise it doesn't have to rhyme. ( for those of you that don't know the writer in me produced little notes every morning during the elf season for about 8 years that rhymed  on where to find the elf in the house-after a few years  I  had to actually recycle some of them as I was just out of  new material after all those years.. LOL. It is cute that he wants him to return and I will do my best to make the most of it. Some times it had him do little acts of kindness, sometimes he brought little gifts. This might be just as good for me as it will be for him.  It reflects his innocence and his need for a little extra Christmas spirit this year. I want to make him feel special and to not lose faith during this sad and different time for him. Like I said before I can't fix that his dad is gone no matter how hard I wished I could, but I can try to make it the best experience he can have despite the circumstances.

 I am looking forward to my brother coming to visit and being here on Christmas morning with us. Especially after waking up Thanksgiving morning with a quiet house.  Waking up will be a little different this year and having someone here to support us, make us laugh and distract the sadness will be ever so appreciated! I look forward to celebrating the true meaning of Christmas and spending the next month enjoying friends and family to help me  through this first year in 23 years without him and 12 for Paxton. 

lyrics from A Different Kind of Christmas- Mark Schultz

.... but there is no laughter in this house, not like there used to be, there's just a million little memories that remind me you're not here. It is a different kind of Christmas this year

... There's one less place set at the table, one less gift under the tree and a brand new way to take their place in side of me. I'm unwrapping all these memories fighting back the tears it is just a different kind of Christmas this year.

As we gather round the table, I see joy on every face and I realize what's still alive is the legacy you made. 

... It's time to fill this house with laughter like it used to be, just because you're up in heaven, doesn't mean you're not near. It's just a different kind of Christmas this year.