I thought I could handle Thanksgiving this year in my home. We have traditionally had it here for a lot of years. Steve's family and some of our friends would come and we would enjoy eating and conversing and watching football. The kids would play and we would be together.
Everyone who came this year would support us and love on us and what couldn't be right with that. My FIL was going to make the ham and my BIL was going to smoke the turkey, then I wouldn't have more work to do. We would have tables set up and each in the orchard with the new floor in remembrance of Steve.
I woke up Thanksgiving morning to a quiet house. I had forgotten to take into consideration all the prep work it took the morning of before everyone else arrived. Not that what I had to do I couldn't handle, but the quiet, the loneliness, the lack of noise around me. Paxton and his buddy were still sleeping as I woke to make cinnamon roll dough. There was no noise of my bedroom door opening and shutting to start the smoker and light the wood, the garage door opening and shutting to get the meat from the fridge. No mess to clean up after he had the food started, spices and things to put back in cabinets, counters to wipe down, things to throw away, no apricot glaze for me to make that he loved to finish off the ham. Just me and my cinnamon roll dough.
I left the dough to rise and decided to just shower and get ready while I waited. It was to early to go outside, the boys were not up and I just needed to relax. This turned into bawling in my shower and continuing to bawl after the shower just sitting on the floor of my closet in a towel, sobbing... this would definitely make for a good headache later. This isn't the way it is suppose to go. It isn't suppose to be this quiet. He is suppose to be here, being nosey and making a mess, he is suppose to be here making me laugh and sharing in this day of Thanksgiving!
I called a friend who helped talk me through the "normal-ness" of how I was feeling, he also lost his wife years back and could relate. He reassured me it was ok to be sad and lose control of my emotions, that today would be hard and different and so beyond my control. He even said I didn't have to wear mascara if I didn't want to, but I knew getting ready, I would feel better, and I knew, just like Steve's funeral, I would probably not cry in front of 25 people anyway.
I know all this, it is just HARD. So damned HARD. My BFF came to my rescue and immediately got up when I reached out to her, jumped in her shower and was over here in a flash. The boys were awake, my crying had stopped and we got everything ready by the time everyone came. My eyes were less puffy, my makeup was on and I felt semi-normal. Although at this point normal is about the silliest word I have ever used. What is normal? Are any of us? Probably not, but we still say it all the time.
The day went okay despite 1000 flies that seemed to come out of nowhere and wind so strong it blew over all my flowers on the orchard tables and ruined the disposable table cloths, everyone seemed a little less peppy, a little more somber, I don't think I took a single picture, but I did laugh a little, everyone was helpful cleaning up, a few of us played games and we had some good conversation. I replay the day in my head and I feel like an outsider looking in, like I was in a daze the whole time. I did retreat to my room for awhile and you know what that is ok I was home, I was where I was suppose to be and this was ok for me to do, and if someone thought it wasn't I don't care to know. I was glad I wasn't a guest this day, despite others offers to have Thanksgiving at their houses instead. I was right where I needed to be with the people who needed to be here.
I will NEVER be the person that I was when Steve was alive, part of me died with him and I will never be the same like EVER. So my apologies now to whoever thinks I am suppose to be, but this isn't your journey and you can't tell me how to live it. And this I have come to terms is ok. It is harder to focus these days, it is harder to find joy, it is harder to find myself as positive as I have always been. I definitely don't like the person I am right now, ( scatterbrained, forgetful, unfocused and edgy) but I am looking forward to the person I will become after this transition period. When you lose a little bit of who you are it takes awhile to take the journey on who you will become. It is like those people who read ahead in a book or fast forward a movie to see how it comes out, I wished I had that option but then again I would miss everything that happens in between. This is my journey and I need to enjoy the good, learn and get stronger from the bad and be content with the mediocre.
I am thankful for my Faith, thankful for my family, thankful for my friends, thankful for my home and all my animals, thankful to sneak in some laughter when I can, some happiness in between and thankful that I am still here to be on this journey of discovery, to serve God in ways that he has planned, to continue the journey of raising a good adult, the now little boy, the present that Steve has left behind. Kids will be kids, the hard part is whether you are raising them to be good adults.
I never expected life to be easy- so I move forward in faith that it won't always be so hard. -dani
“I am learning to trust the journey even when I do not understand it.”
– Mila bronit
“It’s your road and yours alone, others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.”
“May be the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything, maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”
“Somewhere on your journey don’t forget to turn around and enjoy the view.”
“I believe that life is a journey towards God, and that no one has the right to insist that you go a certain road.” – Pat Buckley
“Who you were, who you are, and who you become, are all different people.”
“Not everyone will make it to your future. Some people are just passing through to teach you lessons in life.”
“Focus on where you want to go, not where you currently are.”
“When a chapter of your Life Book is complete, your spirit knows it’s time to turn the page so a new chapter can begin. Even when you’re scared or think you’re not ready, your spirit knows you are.”
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