Our weekend we thought ended on a high note. A wonderful weekend of baseball, 4 wins 0 losses and a championship ring! On base 7 times, with a beautiful double to center field and It all came to a crashing ending last night where once again I was up until midnight with a boy whose mind doesn't really shut off these days. No mother ever wants to see their young child suffer through this and not be able to fix it for them.
He and I have went back and forth over the front yard grass for 2 months now. I think it is in our best interest to put in artificial turf. For the sake of the maintenance that goes along with the tiff grass, and the lack of regualr landscapers that truly know how to take care of it. He was reluctant but we discussed it often and then he finally agreed, an then took it back. He wants to think he can take care of it when in reality all he wants is his dad to still be here taking care of it, he really doesn't want to. He thinks he will but then he doesn't.
My friend gave him the idea to save a patch of it and plant it in a planter so that he can have a piece of his dad's hard work. Bless her heart, my rescuer. We went to Home Depot after the game and bought planters. Yes, 2... he said in case one dies. She would set it up on a drip for him this weekend and then he could mow and care for it, while I can enjoy the low maintenance of artificial turf. Would I rather have real grass heck yes I would, but I also need to not consume all of my down time with all of Steve's projects. He is afraid the artificial grass will look stupid (cause it isn't what we are used to there) and that his dad will be angry that we took out his project.
Last night he came in my room crying that he really wanted to keep the grass, which didn't last too long before it switched to begging his dad to come back, pleading with God and questioning WHY this had to happen in the first place, what was the purpose? In between sniffles and not being able to breath through his nose with tears streaming down my face as quietly as I could as to try and give him the attention he needed and allow him the moment all I could say was "Buddy, honestly, I wish I knew and I miss him too and me too and I know it isn't fair" over and over again, as if the next time I said it everything would just be ok! It is so hard for me to see him suffer like he is and not be able to give him a solid answer. Not be able to fix it or bring his dad back. You can give me all your theories and interpretations of biblical references, but in actuality do any of us really know why, except this world is filled with many imperfections and heartache and pain and trying to understand the things we may never know is so exhausting. All we can do is trust and hope for a better future, for us and for them.
When my mom passed away on Jan 8, 2015 I had less than 30 days to pack up her house and purge or move everything. She owned her cabin up North but she rented about 2 blocks away from me in the 55+ community at Johnson Ranch and her lease was up at the end of the month. I tried to get an extension but it wasn't granted. They say not to do anything for a full year, but I couldn't afford to pay a year's rent there with no one living in it. So I got the troops together and we purged a lot! My mom was a collector of things and she had a lot of stuff. I had the mindset of trash, donate, give-away and keep. These were my pile categories. I made myself decide right away as I picked up an item in order not to dwell on it for too long. I couldn't keep everything I had no where to put it and I wasn't about to pay to store stuff I wasn't going to use. Long story short I do often wish I would have kept some of the things I gave away, but glad that I did what I did, I already have enough stuff of my own. And the things I did keep were most important to me. I have a few tubs in the garage that are my maybe stuff that I would really love to go through again and see what my thoughts are.
Did I end up joining Paxton in bawling once again last night, you betcha, Am I completely sad that I am ripping out Steve's grass and all the love and care he put into it? I sure am. But it will never look like it did when he cared for it again. I am not a green thumb and I would rather keep the 20+ orchard trees that produce something I can consume and the 3 above ground gardens with some fresh vegetables and herbs we can enjoy, then grass that is nice to look at and probably wouldn't be if you left myself and a 12 year old in charge. Do I think that Steve would be mad at us for doing so? Not at all. Am I making the right decision so soon after his death? I do believe I am leaning toward yes over no. But I am certain that I will have to look at each situation with the approach of no regrets. This is a journey and will I make some mistakes I am certain I will, but just like life without grief we make mistakes and bounce back stronger, this too will be a stepping stone in our journey that will be part of our story. Regrets or not, when you are making a decision you are doing what you think is best at the time.
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
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