This weekend was hard! Tears came so many times for both of us. Paxton struggled A LOT! Missing his dad A LOT. The baseball clinic was hard, his dad wasn't there to tell him what he was doing right or wrong. Coaches and other dads are NOT his dad no matter how much knowledge they have. I am NOT his dad, no matter how much knowledge about baseball I could have or learn, it is just NOT the same. I am not jealous that he wants his dad instead of me for these types of things I am mad and sad that his dad isn't here to share them with him, to encourage him, to yell at him. At one point he told me he was just going to quit baseball because all it does is make us cry. I know he didn't mean it but I let him get frustrated and held back trying to reason with him or talk him out of it. He didn't quit he just needed a moment. There is no rule book for this. Everyone who experiences grief can have similar stories, but no 2 grieving families are ever the same!
We argued a lot about chores, expectations of each other and what things are important right now and what are not and he pushed my buttons more times then I care to count, honestly I don't know if I could count them. My patience over the last few days has been super thin. He got a little mouthy, he thought he was a know-it-all at times, he even got a little obnoxious a few times where I had to remind him to chill. We had a heart-to-heart and as much as it pains me not to give into him because I know right now life isn't fair, I also had to have him understand that I can't say yes to everything or every peculiar behavior because that isn't going to be good for him in the long run in this journey going forward. I need to still be a parent, no matter how much my life would be easier in the moment by saying yes to everything or pushing stuff under a rug, turning my cheek or plugging my ears. I know he is a tweener with best friends who are all 13-14 years old all trying to figure this Jr. High thing out... some of this stuff he would still be going through even without loosing his dad! Now is the time I want to scream out to Steve, "WTF were you thinking leaving me with a boy at such a crucial time in his development! Thanks A LOT!"
We surrounded ourselves with good friends this weekend, like everyday! This helped. We love the invites and we love to feel included. We had so many invites for Halloween and that warms my heart! I am just very anxious and have a hard time committing to things as I don't know how either one of us will feel at any given moment, let alone the whole day. I am having a hard time committing especially to things that involve more than a few people. I don't necessarily want to be in that type of setting right now. I don't want to have to explain myself to people or be asked "how we are doing" over and over again, I don't want to have to feel obligated to bring something or make something or participate in conversations if I don't want to have or don't feel like I am being a listener to their stories as my mind wanders to other things. I don't know why... I just don't. Sometimes talking about Steve helps, sometimes it doesn't. Remember I am still over here trying to figure this all out and I have no time frame to how long that will take.
School has been hard for Paxton and he struggles to stay focused, to concentrate and not to allow his mind to wander at school, this in turn causes him to not want to stay and causes me to have to intercede or pick him up repeatedly. He never liked school much before and hated to go back after long breaks, so this experience over the last 3 months hasn't helped.
We went back and forth a lot, tried to change up some of his classes, talked to school admin and other people who have been through similar experiences. For now home schooling is the option we are choosing at least until the end of the year. He needs time to process, he needs to focus on school one-on-one until he has time to process everything else in our "new" lives. Here I am honestly not asking for anyone's opinion or advice. I am just simply stating that right now for our circumstances this was the best decision we could make. He was already falling behind and missing school when Steve was sick and first passed away. The school was amazing in allowing him the time and not counting things against him, just in favor when he did them, but they cannot continue to do that and me in good faith assume he is actually learning anything. This will give him the opportunity to get the stuff done on our time and most effectively right now. It will also give him the time to spend with me that he needs to get through the holidays and process all of the changes. To do some of the things he enjoys during the day when his "school" is over. I have a degree, a substitute teaching certificate too, but honestly being he is my own kid, I fear for my sanity and patience... but here is to looking forward to a better end result and biting the bullet to put him and his education and mental state in front of my own. Together we can do this and I think it is the best decision we can make at this fork in the road. May the journey be soft on both of us.
This is a temporary solution to a temporary problem. Death is definitely not a problem you can fix and there is no magic pill for grief, but you can find solutions to the problems created by the loss that you have experienced and that is what we are doing, finding solutions to those problems, one at a time!
If anyone is out there in our cheering section and needs my address, coffee and wine will always be accepted... LOL!
Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than that you have in your mind. David G Allen.
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