I received a gift card from a friend for a massage and decided to go yesterday.
The lady was running late and I had an appointment with a client right after, which increased my anxiety levels just a tad when I was sitting in the waiting room. She came out to get me and we went back to the room. The first thing I did when she left for me to get ready, was giggle. In my old life Steve would have immediately asked me when I was done, on the phone or when I saw him in person, if she was HOT?! Lol, um my answer most definitely would have been no this time for sure. And I am sure we would have had a whole conversation about it. These intimate banter-like conversations, where he could make me laugh, oh do I miss them.
I miss him. He is suppose to do life with me. I am not suppose to do this without him, I don't want to do this alone and I want him to come back. This is the hardest thing I have ever went through in my entire life. People keep saying I am strong and it is going to be ok, I (we) are going to be okay. Am I strong, YES, will I be okay? that might be up for questioning... somedays I feel like a total basket case, my memory sucks and I can't even complete simple tasks and feel like I am walking around in a fog, sometimes I even do stuff that seems completely out of my ordinary, or I question what the hell I was thinking, and Oh yes, the damn lateness... I used to be 20 mins early for everything and now I seem to be at least 10 mins late or having to reschedule.
Other days I am happy, full of energy and reminding myself that I am still here, Paxton is still here and Steve would never want us to go through life miserable and depressed. Some days I even feel guilty being happy, but I know I shouldn't.
I will be ok, there is no doubt in my mind. My faith is strong and God will guide us through this difficult time and I hope we can use our experience to do amazing things with our life, be a little kinder to one another and ourselves, empathize with those who need it and connect with others in ways that shine. This is still so new and raw at this point and although I do look forward to a future one day where the pain is less, it will never go away, but I wished with all my might I didn't even have to have it in the first place.
Every dream, every plan, every decision, EVERYTHING I looked forward to in my future included him. Included us together as a family. All of Paxton's firsts, all of my successes, all of our trips, and future events. He is suppose to be there in my plan. I do like to plan ahead, know what is coming and be safe in my decisions and calculations, do I love a good surprise? You bet, but it better be a good one- this is why when you plan and look forward to a future and it all falls apart, it is so hard to figure out how to do it now, what is next, what is your focus and anticipate things falling into place as they should.
Here we go again with the popular term, new normal.... Nothing is normal and will it ever be again, but maybe it never was. This is our life now going forward and we must accept it and learn to live in a world without him. This is going to be a struggle that no time line can fulfill, there is no book, no instruction manual and no button to shut off our feelings, or tell us how we can build this new life. I have mentioned how impatient I can be at times and it kills me to have to trust that going forward this journey may be filled with many blessings along the way, at times it is hard to see that though.
Hebrews 11- I cannot stress this enough.
You are often asked in a job interview or when planning for upcoming business years... What is your 5 year plan your 10 year plan. Mine never not included him. My plan wasn't suppose to turn out this way.
Sitting at my kitchen table with my friend visiting us tonight and I burst into tears. We are going to Vegas tomorrow for Paxton's baseball tournament, he is suppose to be there, he is suppose to drive, we are suppose to do this together, as a family. I am not suppose to be going alone, cheering on our son....by myself, without him. Every baseball game since he was in the hospital has been so hard, for me and for Paxton. Steve not cheering for him when he did amazing, hit a great shot, blocked a ball, threw a runner out, or yelling at him when he didn't do something right, his little "pep talk" Him not sitting right beside me, keeping track of his hits, pop outs, walks, and strikeouts. They had a great thing going to motivate Paxton to do well, $10 on base and minus $5 if he struck out. This was fun for them to do together, he kept track on his phone.
This should be an interesting and I am sure emotional weekend. I am going to be the best kind of baseball mama that I can be, encourage Pax to do his best, and give all my attention to him. I know this is our journey and we can do this together. I pray that God gives me patience, perseverance and peace to get through this, enjoy what we can and make our memories going forward count.
Life is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the road or accommodations.
-Oliver Goldsmith
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