Some of the littlest things during the day can abruptly change your whole thought process, this is essentially heightened when you are grieving. I saw this 30 day gratitude chart on a friend's Facebook page this morning. I decided to share in the spread of gratitude on my FB page as well. But instead of posting the whole thing I thought it would be good to go through every day and post the question it poses per day, answer it myself and then ask people to participate with their favorite responses. In my mind this is allowing me to think of things that I’m even more grateful for and help me through this holiday season by reading what other people are grateful for and sparking more things that I can be grateful for.
The first day which I missed yesterday since I didn't read her post until this morning, was what smells are you grateful for? I immediately thought of pumpkin scents that I love during Fall and I have only been able to get a slight whiff of occasionally most recently. After posting and reading a few peoples comments my thoughts turned to the smell of Steve.
With Covid back in July I lost my smell. And anybody who knows me well knows that I have a super strong sense of smell. Almost to the point it annoys people sometimes because I’m always asking if they could smell a certain thing that was strong to me but of course most times they couldn’t but I definitely could. One thing being pee. I absolutely used to be able to walk into a home and could tell you if they ever had animals and usually what kind! Almost like I was obsessed with it, not pee... just obsessed if people had the same strength of smell that I did. This thinking turned my mind to thoughts of when people lose someone they hang onto their clothing and don’t wash it because it still has that person's smell on it. Nostalgia 101. I every once in awhile I will smell the smell of my grandma's basement, and it wasn't pleasant. She had German Shepherds who she let poop in the basement, which combined with the mildew/musty smell of an old Midwestern home has stuck in my nose all these years and I will NEVER own a German Shepherd because of that.
I remember savoring her smell when my mom died, she had a zip-up hoodie sweatshirt she wore a lot and I just remember keeping it in my closet and smelling it when I would get sad! People most often times have a distinct smell to them. It was comforting to me to do this. I feel like I was robbed of that when Steve died, there were lots of articles of clothing laying around when he was in the hospital and I could NOT smell any of them! Because I cannot smell much right now, and I know that his smell will not last forever, and I will probably not have the opportunity much longer and it has probably already went away.
On and off for a few months now I’ll get a whiff of something but then it goes away and when I completely pull it up to my nose I can’t smell it at all. When Steve was in the hospital I had a run in with some lavender essential oil that ended me up in urgent care, but that is a story for another time. Still not fully having my smell helps with the stinky pigs I’m raising right now that my husband bought and brought home the weekend before he got sick, never my intention for them to be my responsibility! Although I often wonder what the neighbors think... Lol. They will go to butcher soon so not such a big deal. When I asked last week the neighbor behind me didn't seem to think they smelled at all... That is winning in my book. HA! But it also makes me curious if I smell like body odor ever or something else that doesn’t smell so good and no one is telling me!!! I am definitely trying the cinnamon and orange trick a friend posted earlier as soon as I get to the store for an orange. Ill let you know if it works for me.
Anyway I will have to say that my favorite smell in the whole wide world was to be nestled in the crook of Steve’s arm while laying in bed- the smell of his deodorant mix with his sweat. That might sound disgusting to some people but I LOVED it! It never smelled like that out of the deodorant tube - believe me I have tested it in the past just to see and it was never the deodorant itself it was his chemical reaction to the deodorant. Sadly my son nor anyone else who would wear the same deodorant would ever smell the same as Steve did! That’s why sometimes you can buy the same perfume as someone else and it smells completely different on you then it does on them. All of us have a different chemical make up and our skin reacts and sweats differently and therefore you can love the way it smells on the clerk at the store, buy it and not love it on you... All the while this stuff is going on inside my head
and then it hit me…
I will NEVER smell his smell again.
Which throws me into a tailspin of crying that I otherwise hadn't anticipated for the day. But honestly I almost can never anticipate how my day will go, or when the slightest thought will spill the tears. Hence the bag of makeup I carry around with me everywhere I go. And thanks to the girls at Rail 3 Ranch, my favorite leather goods store in Florence, I even got a new makeup bag as mine was many years old, ratty, and torn and I figured my makeup deserved to be carried around in style just in case.
Savor the good moments, memories, smells and all the rest, let go of the bad ones. Forgive when it feels like you can't, don't hold grudges over stupid things, talk through your problems, issues or obstacles with your spouse or loved one, we often assume what people are thinking instead of actually asking them what they are thinking, HOPE and most of all LOVE. Love is the greatest gift you can give someone! Don't be stingy with it, you have more than you realize.
As I have been told and I’ve mentioned before that grief is bottled up love that has no where to go because the person you gave it to is no longer there, I had a huge amount of love that I gave to Steve every single day and I still have it but it has nowhere to go. I also have an empty space once filled up with his love that remains a hole that isn't being filled. There are so many things you don't realize until you actually experience them when grieving. Make sure that you are sharing how you feel with your loved one, filling their hole and they are filling yours. Communicate, talk to one another and tell them how you feel. I had an amazing marriage, of course it had its ups and downs but the LOVE I poured into it and received kept it going strong, even with our little quirks and expectations of one another, and that will be something that can never be replaced.
I have had several people tell me that I will find "love" again, they just know it or they are confident of it or they can see it... a funny thing to say after a recent death of the man you have been with for over 23 years and the only "love" you have ever known. But I think people are sometimes not sure WHAT to say and they just want to give you HOPE for a better future. I tell myself everyday that people mean well no matter what they say. Finding a new someone may or may not be the case for my future. This is the beginning of my journey. I am definitely not seeking it NOW and no matter what my future looks like I would never LOVE someone the same again.
As I am finishing up this blog my friend called and Paxton who had no idea what I was even writing about came into the room to tell us a joke! I'll leave you with this since this made my cry because we were laughing so hard.
"What do you call an over 80 dating site?
AlmostTooLate.com then that spiraled into YouAreTooOldForThis.com, FinalDestination.com, ReadyToExpire.com, LastChance.com, and so many more I can't even remember! Laughter is truly the best medicine sometimes. It may not fix it but it sure can temporarily change my state of mind and right now that can be such a blessing to me when I need it.
No comments:
Post a Comment