We went to bed last night with a ripped up yard and dirt waiting for the new turf we got today." I am going to hate it, Dad is suppose to take care of it... it is suppose to still be still here." " I hate playing in artificial turf, it is suppose to be real grass." "He is suppose to be taking care of it." "I would have mowed it if you gave me a chance." (we went 4 weeks with no one mowing it) This is what I heard when he crawled into my bed at 2:30 AM. I just hugged him and said, " I know buddy." Thanks to Steve's buddy Pat, the guys were here working on it all day for 2 days... Pax was definitely mad, distracted and distraught the last 2 days. He has been struggling emotionally for the last week, already. Adjusting is hard and I think it is finally settling in that he isn't dreaming and will wake up soon... This IS his NEW life. There are only so many things you can do to distract your thoughts and sometimes you are just over the crying too!
We argued all day today, arguing about everything until we cried. Celena came to clean my house and probably thought I was a crazy lady. I had enough! I told him to get in the car and we just drove, we had Dutch and got gas in my car. I told him we could do anything he wanted to do. He just wanted to come home and play with his friends. That is ok, sometimes he just needs to escape, and I am not the escape he is looking for, and to be honest, he is not always mine. We sure have a bond but sometimes we just need space, to take care of ourselves in our own way. He definitely has more opportunity for this than I do.
My patience is thin, my attention span is shortened and I get overwhelmed pretty easily these days. Things that never used to bother me do, and things I used to like to do I haven't found much interest in, and things I miss the most seem to invade my thoughts regularly and obsessively. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing something I am responsible for at all and somedays I have the energy of a new puppy and get a lot accomplished! I can want to do something one minute and not the next. It is just bizarre this grief thing, especially at this magnitude. I lost the partner I chose that I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with along with all our hopes and dreams we planned for together. I have been through grief before but never have I been fully responsible for a 12 year old all by myself too! Like I said I just want to fix it for him. It breaks my heart to see his pain. I ask myself every day "can I do this? Am I saying and doing the right thing? Am I doing my best to get him through this when I am falling apart too?"
I have given myself the grace to have my moments, to take MY time, not what someone else defines as the way I need to grieve, one minute at a time, one day at a time, but impatient me just wants to see how it ends... LOL.
You Say, Lauren Daigle
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
Ooh-oh
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe
You have every failure, God, You have every victory
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