Sometimes you just run on empty. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming you just have no idea where to go from where you’re at. Grief is so hard. Sometimes your body just has no idea how to respond to the pain that you’re in. Sometimes your brain just cannot think or function or reason with what you were faced.
Sometimes I have no idea if I’m coming or going, if I make the right decisions, if I’m being a good mom, if I am being too lenient or overcompensating for the loss that my child is experiencing. Sometimes I just want to fix it. I cannot fix this. I cannot fix grief. I can only learn to live along side it.
This weekend was hard. Super hard. It was the first real trip, that Paxton and I had to take without his dad, or family. The reality of him not being along on our trip was super painful for both of us. Especially since the team didn’t play to their highest potential. This made for a boy, who cried, after every game, longing for his dad, to tell him what he did wrong, to yell at him, to be there, to just show up, and put in his two cents. He longed for him to be there with us on this trip, he was supposed to be there, how could this be right without him, he needed to be there. As a mom I am a long way for knowing how to react like Steve, why couldn’t he just show up, I cannot replace him, no matter how hard I try, I will never be his dad. I could research baseball all I want I will NEVER be him I just won’t
From the nurturing mama perspective I just want to fix it. I want to make his pain go away, I want to give an alternative, a solution, but this is not a problem. This is a lifestyle. We have to learn to live in a new way. This is a super hard reality to face. Something I cannot control no matter how hard I want to, no matter how hard I prepare or want to
I wanted to be strong, to support him. To be the nurturer, the positive thinker, the one who lifted his spirits. But honestly I was dying inside. Because I can’t fix this. It was a hard weekend. I cannot fix this.
We came home with a few different issues, mishaps, things that happened while we were gone, I almost ran into a recliner in the middle of the road on the 202 yesterday driving home dark, late at night, just ready to be in my own bed. My adrenaline was definitely on super mode. The recliner came out of nowhere. By the grace of God we didn’t wreck.
I walked into five piles of dog throw up, when we arrived home, in my bed. I have absolutely no idea what one of them got into but why they chose my bed and not the floor is beyond me. Five layers of bedding rolled up into a ball thrown into the trash. I am not about to scrub it clean. Just don’t have the energy. Amazon to the rescue.
Blinds destroyed while we were gone by dogs who were upset they couldn’t be outside and the house sitter was here feeding the outside animals. All our animals are healthy and well when we got home so a couple blinds ruined is really not a setback in my book. It just added to the frustration of my life.
I woke up to deals going haywire. Having to put out fires to make things continue on and happen, in my real estate world. Dropping a whole coffee creamer on the floor splashing everywhere in my kitchen needing to clean it up. The wash machine that got jammed and stopped working for a tad bit. I literally cried every time I talked to somebody. A title company gal, a fellow agent, a friend, my sister-in-law, I just couldn’t hold my shit together this morning.
They showed up with the furniture for Paxton‘s teen room that we were so excited about, something to look forward to for both of us. The couch would not fit through the door way long ways or wide… Nothing was going to get this couch into that room. I measured the couch, it fit. Did not even think about the doorway. They took it back. Will have to find something else down the road. Today is not the day. Too much going on. A trip to Home Depot to replace the blinds- not everything I want was in stock, we picked out paint colors for the teen room. Forgot the propane. Returned all the wrongfully purchased screws from the orchard floor. $325 of unnecessary purchases. Paxton’s farming simulator pre order at game stop didn’t come in as promised, again frustration of something promised and not received. I will not promise him anything I cannot deliver, ever… this I do promise.
There are things you can control, and things you cannot. There are friends who turn your upside down world to a right side up experience. Lunch, friendship, shopping, baking pies, making dinner, drinks and s’more’s in the orchard. Laughter, Conversation, friendship, these are the things that hold me together. These are the things that are going to make me survive this difficult time in my life. These are the people who make all the difference. No matter how much brain fog I experience during this transition, this life part two- the obstacles, more setbacks, learning, growing, new experiences, new traditions, a new me. I will NEVER be the me I was 108 days ago, the day Steve was hospitalized, the day we didn’t know would be the last day without him ever- FOREVER
Today, the friends- the support- the love- these are the times I will treasure as our friends will see us through. No matter how hard this is, we can do this- we will survive, we will continue to grow and love and cherish the life we have left to live, to love and to contribute to those around us, the best we can going forward with our pain, alongside our grief to the journey we now take.
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