Yep, me! This girl over here!
I had to send Paxton and Aidan in for it... I was a complete hot mess and just couldn't stop.
Grieving emotions are so unpredictable! I was able to go Steve's whole funeral service without shedding one tear (people might have even judged me for this!) But Random thoughts in a Tractor Supply parking lot at 8:00 PM apparently do me in! Geez... my tears spilled over into the circle K parking lot where the boys pumped my gas. I almost guarantee the women in the little white car next to us was probably worried if I was ok.
One minute you can be happy and laughing with your son and his friend, eating popcorn at a movie theater and then BOOM! You are enveloped by the deepest sadness that you have felt all day, even though the day was just hard anyway. Yesterday was two months since Steve passed and I didn't really pay much attention to the date but felt seriously sad all day! I woke up crying, went to bed crying, teared up at least 10 times in the middle of the day, used my handy dandy makeup touch up kit I carry around at least 4 times-
So if you didn't call me you probably dodged a bullet because certain people I talked to sent me into crying, not because of them necessarily... I was just super emotional. and teared up A LOT, I hope no one thought it was them.. LOL. For those of you I talked to, bless your heart for not hanging up.. hahaha... And Congrats if you got to talk to or see me on a good moment!
Paxton had a hard last 4-5 days that I had to be strong and help him through his emotion and struggles.
I cried with him at times that I just couldn't "fix" this for him, I can't make it go away and I can't imagine what he is going through as I have never been in his shoes. Sure I lost my dad when I was 14 but like I said I was a girl and 14. He is a boy who is 12. What a crucial time to lose your dad! So much more to learn, so much to experience that he could have continued teaching to our son that is no longer available. Sure he has lots of people he can reach out to with lots of skills that he is interested in, but it is NOT the same. People have their own lives too and are not going to be as readily available as Steve would be, plus there is something about that connection/bond that will never ever be matched.
I know this journey is just beginning and honestly it will never end, we will just learn to adjust to this life. There are so many more things to mourn then just the loss of a husband or spouse in this situation. A friend of mine mentioned to me yesterday that what a lot of people don't realize (and maybe I didn't either until she pointed it out) is how we aren't only grieving the loss of our husband but the loss of so many things that we have been accustomed to. When you put it into that scale of magnitude, it really can sound overwhelming, but it actually helps me realize that I am not crazy for having all the sad moments at what I think is random times because there is so much to be sad about.
I got out of bed, I went to my office for a few hours and I bought cat litter. If that is all I accomplished yesterday then I think I was winning!
"How are you and Paxton doing" is loaded question, and you can ask me 30 different times a day with probably a different answer depending on the moment, if all you are hoping that I say is "fine, ok, doing better" PLEASE just DON'T ask. Because I will probably be honest and tell you and there may be a little crying involved and I cannot guarantee what crazy answer you may get.
Paxton and I will eventually learn to incorporate a balance of what distracts us from our sad thoughts and makes us happy in the moment at some point but right now we just need to give ourselves the grace that it may take some trial and error and a whole lot of disappointment to get there.
The process is different for everyone and I now have limited expectations.
The process is different for everyone and I now have limited expectations.
Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
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